Yep, another month has gone by and i'm not pregnant. Who's surprised? Anyone?? Not me. I am so frustrated that it was a 39 day cycle. What the hell! I went from having a freaking 29 day cycle to a 39 day cycle. What kind of sick joke is my body playing on me?? And WHY?! Why am i not deserving of having a child? Why does the universe think everyone else around me deserves to be parents except Chris and I? What did i do wrong? Each month that goes by and has failed i give up. Chris always brings me back around, but how many more times can i do that? I've got myself more then half convinced we are better off without a child. Even one. We can do what we want when every we want. We both LOVE our sleep and sleep in every single weekend. If i get home from a long day at work and i'm tired, i can take a nap for as long as i want. If we want to go away on a whim one weekend we can do that with no problems. I cannot stand it when people use their kids as an excuse not to go some where so if we did have a kid that wouldnt stop us, but it would just take more planning. And, i'll admit it, i'm lazy!! We are building this wonderful house that wont have to be over run with baby and kid stuff! Chris will have his play room, and then i can have the other bedroom as my play room. Not sure what i'll play with but i'll find something. I've been wanting to get a sewing machine so badly, so it would be a great sewing/craft room!
I turn 30 in exactly a week. May 15. Its really depressing. Not only because i'm not a mother but because i dont have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but if i'm being honest they are more like acquaintances. The last time I talked to my best friend was when she told me she was pregnant with #5. She’s now half way through that pregnancy. I’ve tried texting her asking how things are going and it goes unanswered. And the last time I was like ‘why don’t you ever text me back?’ I was told ‘you aren’t the only person in my life, I have kids that come first.’ A quick text back is not going to hurt you! But then I’ll just get the ‘you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.’ You know what, fuck you for saying that to me. My best friend hasn’t necessarily said that to me, but I know she’s thought it and I’ve heard it before. Talk about hurtful. And that’s the thing, every single last one of my friends has children and I haven’t talked to in months. Its because we no longer have anything in common because my every waking moment is not consumed by a child.
My heart just aches today. The realization that I will be 30 in a week and I will but celebrating with only my husband and no one else. Maybe its best that way. Keep the one that cares the most about me closest and who cares about anyone else?
