Welcoming Paige Erika (this will be very long...you've been warned)!!

Boy did i ever slack off with this blog! I'm kicking myself for it now! Well, if you couldnt tell by the title of this blog, our daughter has arrived!! I cant wait to get it all down in writing to have for years to come.

I had what had become a routine appointment at the high risk doctors office on Friday, April 5, 2013 at 9:15 in the morning (I was 37 weeks, 5 days pregnant). I say routine because we went every Friday to the high risk office, and every Tuesday to the regular OB office. We had testing done twice a week to keep a close eye on both me and Paige. Each and every time we went we would pass every test with no complications. At the regular OB office they would do a non stress test, which is where they hook me up to a machine to monitor any possible contractions and another to monitor Pagie's movements. I'd sit there relaxing for about half an hour, and she'd perform for them with no issues and i'd only have mild braxton hicks contractions from time to time. At the high risk office they would do a growth scan (every 2 weeks) and also a biophysical profile (BPP), and dopplers of the umbilical cord to make sure everything was still good there. And again, we'd get an 8\8 on the BPP and the dopplers would be perfect too. The biophysical profile would check her heart rate, muscle tone, movement, amniotic fluid levels, and practice breathing.

Anyway, so we go on Friday for the routine and with the intention of asking to go ahead and schedule delivery for the following Monday, which would have been April 8th (38 weeks, 1 day pregnant), because i was getting way too uncomfortable and needed that relief. I felt like a failure that it had come to me wanting it to be over but i was really having a difficult time getting around and doing much of anything without help. Chris and I discussed it and decided Monday should be the day. Monday is specific because that's when my regular OB schedules her c-sections and we wanted her to be the one to deliver.

So the appointment starts off much the same as it always does. Paige looked adorable and was hiding her face like always. She did everything she was supposed to right away except for showing her practice breathing. So the ultrasound tech kept trying to get cute shots of her face to give her time to show her breathing. There is a time limit for babies to show this and once that time had come and gone and she still hadnt breathed, an NST was the next step. She also had only gained 3 ounces from the previous growth scan two weeks prior, which was well below what it should have been. They had predicted her weight at that time as 3lbs 12 oz. So the ultrasound tech went to make her report and said she'll probably be back to take me to the NST area after discussing with the doctor. A bit of time had passed and she came back in briefly (i'm not even sure why at this point) and said something, in passing, about possibly sending us up to labor and delivery.

Chris and I looked at each other after she left the room again with giant eyes and said "TODAY?!" I immediately was in denial and was thinking, no way, she'll just do an NST and then everything will show its fine and we'll schedule things for Monday. We were moved from the ultrasound room into a conference room where we had more time to freak out a little and keep repeating to each other "TODAY???" We still had so much to do at home that was on the agenda to get done over the weekend in preparation for her arrival on MONDAY, not FRIDAY!!! Finally the doctor comes in and she says something along the lines of "I think today is the day, we should have this baby today." I repeated again, "Today!?" But my regular OB isnt in the office today! She's the one who's supposed to do it. We asked about waiting until my doctor would be there (Monday!!!) so things could go the way they were supposed to. But the high risk doctor said she wouldn't want to wait. She did say she'd try and get a hold of my doctor and see if she could come in for the surgery. Unfortunately my doctor was not able to come in. :( So her office partner would be doing the surgery. We asked if there was time for us to go home and get our hospital bags. She asked how far away we live and after telling her about 20 minutes (40 round trip) she said it would be best if Chris went and I stayed there and got checked in. What the heck?! We couldnt even go home and get our bags?! Then i start thinking, what isnt she telling me? Is something really wrong with Paige? Is there more going on here then she's saying? We cant wait two more days for the weekend and we cant wait an hour just to go home and get our things?? Ooook then, so we were then escorted up stairs to labor and delivery around 11:30am.

Once up there we are shown into a room and left while they go gather things to check us in. Once we were behind that closed door Chris drops down to his knees in front of me, we grab each other and we both just start sobbing. I dont remember what either of us said but it defiantly included the following:

"I'm scared!"
"I just want her to be ok!"
"I love you!"
"TODAY?!"

Two nurses come in while we're in the middle of having our moment and ask if we're ok. Uhh, yeah, we're having a baby that's all. lol I'm instructed to take everything off, and put the robe on. I go into the bathroom for that and have another moment of tears while i'm alone and I take my time getting undressed. I make my way out and on to the bed and get hooked up to the contraction and heart rate monitors. The nurses start asking me a billion questions the whole time i feel like i'm talking through clenched teeth because i am SO NERVOUS and SO anxious. I also realized i had been having a contraction for what felt like hours. My stomach stayed tight right up until i went unconscious for delivery. We ask if its ok if we make calls to our family to let them know its happening today, and of course they say thats ok. We both start calling our parents first. Of course i cry when i'm telling my mom, she says she'll call dad and they'll be there as soon as they can. I'm pretty sure Chris' mom was leaving her work before Chris even had a chance to get all the words out! :) My grandmother had called me while we were in the middle of our doctors appointment with the high risk doctor. She had made Paige a small quilt and a wall hanging for Chris and I that matched and wanted to bring them by the house real quick. So my next call was to her to tell her she'd have to bring it by the hospital if she really wanted to give it to us now. She was so excited and also cried. My next call was to my older sister, Michelle. She asked if we wanted them to come and i said of course! I wanted everyone to be there!! Most or some people dont, but i did!! I wanted all the support we could get! This was the moment we needed it the most, so EVERYONE was welcome. We had also discussed giving our house key to Michelle while i was in surgery so she could go get our bags. In between phone calls and answering questions from the nurses the "on call" doctor comes in to introduce herself. We very briefly go over my history and talk about how both Paige and i need to be treated gently to avoid causing any potential fractures, and how we've decided to have general anesthesia instead of trying an epidural, about possibly making a bigger incision to avoid too much pulling and tugging on Paige. We were also told the surgery would be performed down stairs in one of the larger operating rooms in the hospital, not in the labor and delivery operating rooms. Surgery was officially scheduled for 2pm.

Chris' mom made it there in record time. Michelle and part of her family show up after that, and then my parents. It was so exciting! Chris and I were still making phone calls and sending text messages. I had an IV in place by then too, and answered even more questions for the nurses. I remember being so hungry and thirsty but of course I wasnt allowed to have anything. We discussed where Chris and our family would wait and how long the surgery would take. Since i would be having surgery under general anesthesia Chris would not be allowed in there. This was something we wanted to try to avoid but in the end we decided together it would be safer and easier on me to just have general. It sucked that neither of us would be there to hear and see her come into the world but we knew it was the best for all of us. We were promised the neonatal team would stop quickly at the waiting area for Chris to get a glimpse of her before whisking her off to the NICU.

It was time for surgery. I was wheeled down with my family like a parade behind me. I cried on the way down. We made a stop by the waiting room and i hugged and kissed everyone. It was really hard to kiss and hug Chris knowing he wouldn't be there to hold my hand through it. I know it was hard on him but of course he didnt show it. He later told me he cried. I was taken into the surgery hall way where i was parked to wait for the anesthesiologist who was still upstairs giving someone an epidural. That wait felt like hours, when in reality it was probably only minutes. I wasnt alone, there were all kinds of nurses around. I couldnt tell you who was who though because they were all wearing their face masks. I was told names, but again, i couldnt tell you what their names were to save my life. One nurse stayed by my side and tried to make conversation with me but i just wasnt in the mood to talk. I'd answer her questions about Paige and Chris and I but i didnt really go into much detail. From the moment we were told we were delivering today it felt like Paige squeezed her entire body up into my ribs, as if to say, i'm not coming out! She stayed pressed up against my ribs until i was asleep, and it also felt like i had one looooooong contraction the entire time. I tried focusing on my breathing to calm myself down and relax my belly but it just didnt work. I was clenching my jaw and had a death grip on the tissue i had in my hand. I knew this day was coming but i was just overwhelmed that it was happening so suddenly. And to be honest, i knew Paige was fine. Knowing she had shown no signs of distress and was still kicking me and moving around, i knew she was alright. I was more overwhelmed with the fact that i was meeting my daughter today. All the hard work and sadness we had gone through to get to this day was flooding my emotions and i was just anxious to finally see her and hold her and to be her mommy. I also knew in my heart the surgery was going to go just fine. I kept repeating to myself in my head "you're going to be fine, Paige is going to be fine, you need to calm down." HOWEVER, while I was back on deck for surgery, waiting for the anesthesiologist, i panicked and freaked out within myself. I remember thinking "OMG, i cannot do this! I change my mind, i need to get the hell out of here. I dont care how, I have no idea where my wheelchair is, i'll scoot down the damn hallway with my ass hanging out of this robe if i have to, i just need to get out of here!!!" Can you imagine?! LOL

I dont remember if i had those thoughts before or after the neonatal team came in. That moment will be forever in my mind. I had semi calmed myself down enough that I wasnt crying and i was able to smile at some of the nurses and probably even laugh with them. One of the nurses announce the neonatal team had arrived. They were behind me so i had no idea what they looked like. I just thought it was a couple people. They stayed back there for a bit and then they decided to come around me and wait in an area in front of me. I did not expect to see what i saw. They wheeled a bed by that looked like they were prepared for my baby to be barely alive, there were all kinds of equipment and oxygen tanks, in my mind i was just thinking the normal incubator nothing major. Any sort of calm i had finally gotten myself to was gone and i pretty much lost it. The though that something was more wrong then i was being told crept in my mind again. The nurse saw my reaction and came over and put her hand on my shoulder and promised it was going to be ok and gave me more tissues. I wanted Chris to be there with me more then ever at that moment. I wanted to hear from him that everything was going to be ok and for him to hug me and wipe my tears.

When i get really nervous i shake like i'm cold. Teeth chattering and everything. The nurse saw this and asked if i wanted a warm blanket, thinking i was cold. I said wasnt cold, but its was worth a shot to try. So she covered me up with one of those warmed blankets. It helped me calm down a little bit but then i started getting sweaty so i took it off.

The anesthesiologist finally got there. I ended up having two. There may have been some confusion about whether or not i wanted an epidural or general. Back when we were deciding which route to go we met with the anesthesiologist that was on call that day and he didnt impress us at all. He had no knowledge of OI aside from what he had just read in a text book before meeting with Chris and I. He didnt seem to grasp the lack of severity in my condition and was talking about how he'd be scared to use a blood pressure cuff on me and there was another technique they could use to keep an eye on my blood pressure that would involve lines going into each of my wrists. Umm, dude, i have had my blood pressure taken with a blood pressure cuff each time i've seen the doctor through this pregnancy and i've been seeing a doctor twice a week. And i'm pretty sure if i'm capable of carrying a child to term, i can handle getting my blood pressure monitored normally. Needless to say i was annoyed after meeting with that particular anesthesiologist. Odds were in our favor that we wouldnt get him the day i would deliver since the hospital has 30 different ones on call at any given day. So the day comes and of course he's one of the two. And i think the only reason he may have been involved is because we talked to him already so I feel like the impression he knew us made him seem like an asset to the surgery. Whatever. So the main anesthesiologist mentions to me about doing the blood pressure monitoring through my wrists and i'm like, I've never had any issues having my blood pressure taken normally with a blood pressure cuff. So they agree to do it that way. And then he's all concerned about my jaw and getting a good airway and blah blah blah, even looked in my mouth (which seems kinda silly to me at this point) and again i'm like, i've had several broken bones and each time i've been put under general anesthesia to set the bone and never had any issues. He did insist on spraying the back of my throat with some numbing spray, even though i'd be asleep when they put the breathing tube in. He told me it would taste like banana's and i said "yeah right." and we all kind of laughed and he still insisted it would. So he sprays my throat and the stuff was N A S T Y no banana i've ever eaten tasted like that. It immediately numbs my throat and i feel like my throat is closing up, like i cant swallow, and like i was choking, which made me panic a little more, which was just what i needed... He wanted to spray me again and i was like, no, i cant do it again. Thankfully he didnt insist.

A nurse then gives me a shot of anti nausea medication (in case i have a reaction to the anesthesia) and i'm finally taken into the OR. As i'm being wheeled in I see the on call doctor and then my high risk doctor. I smiled at her being glad to see someone who's been through the end of this pregnancy and knows my situation. It calmed me ever so slightly, considering i was being wheeled into surgery! I later found out instead of being there to assist with the surgery she actually performed the surgery. I look around the room and realize there are at least 20 people in there!! I'm sure there were 10 for me and 10 for Paige. I saw the normal infant warmer bed and then i was laid down because they were about to transfer me to the operating table. They were so cautious not to move me too quickly (i might break you know! Bahahaha!) which i found funny. As soon as i was placed on the bed i was instantly VERY uncomfortable. The right middle side of my back started hurting. For some reason they had put a wedge on that side of the bed to have me tilted to one side so they took that out. Didnt help. I had requested pillows (at least one) be put under my knees since my right leg doesnt bend out all the way so they took that out. Didnt help. They asked what they needed to do and i said i needed to sit up. So they let me sit up for as long as i needed. They asked if they could do anything else and i said "Can someone rub my back?" I was dead serious (its something Chris would have done had he been in in there!) but no one did. Sigh, so i stretched my back out as much as i could and finally decided i better just suck it up and get this over with. Now that i think about it, it was probably a contraction! So I lay back down, they put the blood pressure cuff on, the pulse thing on my finger and whatever else. There was a nurse by my side the entire time actually holding my hand for me and patting my arm telling me it was going to be ok and that i was doing great. It was so comforting and i wish i knew who she was so i could thank her now, but i couldnt tell you her name if i needed to at this point. I had a tissue in my hand from waiting out in the hallway and she took that out of my hand and held it instead. They're messing with my legs getting pillows just right under them, my arms are being messed with getting them out to my sides. Then its time to get the oxygen mask. The nurse in charge of holding that on my face did a bad job. Half the time the mask was squishing into my eye! Ugh! But i just kept trying to wiggle around it instead of saying something. lol Then its time to drape me with the cloth with the plastic in the middle where they'll be doing the surgery, i dunno what its called, but anyway, i guess they messed it up because they had to re do it with another cloth/plastic piece. Shortly after that i'm told i'll be getting sleepy and thats all i remember. I usually feel it taking effect, but not this time! I was out!

Its as if i was only out for a second because the next thing i know there's a nurse calling my name as i'm waking back up and asking how i feel. I croaked out "It hurts. How's my baby?" She promises to get me some more pain medication to help and tells me Paige is doing great. That she cried on her own and was breathing on her own. She was 4 pounds 11 oz. I tried to cry but that hurt my belly too much so instead i'm pretty sure i just made an ugly cry face without the crying. She then tells me she needs to push on my belly and that it was going to hurt. She wasnt kidding! That wasnt a fun way to wake up! She also checked the bleeding. Kind of awkward but you kind of loose all modesty when you have a c-section. I think i drifted off again at that point and it seems like she comes right back seconds later to push on me again and i ask again "How's my baby? Is she ok?" Again i'm told she's doing great and again, i try to cry but i cant. I think i also asked about my husband and if he'd gotten to see her and i was told yes, and that he was with her right then. By then i was awake enough and ready to be moved to my room. On the way we would stop in the NICU so i could meet my daughter and see my husband. I was defiantly awake then! I couldnt wait to see her!

My bed was wheeled into the back of the NICU where Paige was resting in the open bed warmer with nothing attached to her. She didnt need any help breathing or anything. I was so thankful!! Chris met us in there too so I was finally able to see him too. We were together for the first time as a family. I was asked if i wanted to hold her and at first i said no because i didnt think i would be able to sit up enough to hold her properly. But then i quickly changed my mind and she was placed in the crook of my left arm. The first thing i said to her was "Hi baby, i'm your mommy!" I'm sure shortly after i told her i loved her. I couldnt stop looking at her. She was the most beautiful freshly born baby i had ever seen. She was peaceful and fit into my arm perfectly. She was so tiny. I touched every part of her i could without unwrapping her from the swaddle she was in. The smile on Chris' face was something that wouldnt go away, it was wonderful to see him so happy. After about half an hour or so and as much as i didnt want to give her back and leave her to go to my postpartum room, i had to. I knew i'd be back to see her soon, and i knew she was doing excellent so it wasnt too hard to leave her there.

Once in my room my family was able to come in and see me. Chris started the process of taking everyone into the NICU one by one to see her. My throat hurt from having the breathing tube in and i asked for some ice chips to munch on and help my throat. I was still laying down at this point so someone had to feed them to me. My mom and my sister Michelle took turns doing that while everyone else was making phone calls to spread the news that Paige and I were doing great! I would have made some of the calls myself but i couldnt really talk very loudly or for long since my throat hurt so much and i was still a little groggy from surgery. In the middle of all of this the lactation consultant came in to explain how to use the pump. To be honest, i dont remember very much because i was visiting and like i said still groggy post surgery. It was pretty inconvenient but whatever.

Eventually the excitement calmed down and we were moved to a bigger room, because the one they had me in wasnt very big at all. Since they werent making me get up yet they kept me in the regular hospital bed. Our new room had the typical postpartum queen sized bed moved over for Chris to sleep in while i kept the regular bed. I was in pain and was NOT looking forward to having to get up and move around, so i tried to avoid it for as long as possible. I had a morphine pump for the pain over night and half way through the next day. It seemed like i was constantly in pain. It was manageable but it never seemed to go away. When i finally did start to pump breast milk sitting up to do that was pretty painful. But i did it with Chris' help.

Chris...that man is amazing. I've always known he's a great guy, i wouldnt have married him otherwise, and he's always been kind and caring and sweet to me. He's always loved me for me and no matter what. Once i was put on bed rest he would do everything. He would come home during lunch time to help me with lunch and anything else i needed before going back. He was working 12 hour days at that time. So he was exhausted by the time he got home for the night. But he still was attentive and helpful towards me. He'd help me get a shower every night and do whatever i needed without question or complaints. When Paige was born, he became even more attentive and helpful. Like i said it was difficult and painful for me to sit up to pump. Chris was there to help every 2 hours. He set his cell phone alarm through the night hours to wake us up and he would literally sit with me and hold one side of the pump on my breast for me. I never asked him to help me like that, he just did it. He would wash the bottles once that session was done and label the milk and take it down to the NICU every 2 hours. He became the breast milk Nazi! I have never heard of a husband being that helpful and hands on when it comes to pumping breast milk. In fact, the nurses said just that and commented on how awesome Chris was.

Things with pumping went way better then i ever expected. I was a pumping champ, with Chris' help!! I had a really great supply! I think they only had to supplement a couple times for Paige her entire stay in the NICU. I was very proud of myself.

Once everyone had left for the evening i wanted to see Paige again, so we got the nurses to wheel me and the bed and my IV back down there to her in the NICU. I needed to see her!!! I was so grateful the nurses at that time were willing to take me down again. Chris helped by wheeling the IV pole behind. The nurses were going a bit too quickly through a narrow area and the IV pole got caught on a door way and yanked my arm back. Fortunately it didnt rip the IV out. I wouldnt have cared, i just wanted to hold my daughter again. This visit, which was in the wee hours of the morning (like 2am-ish) is when we had our first family picture together. I adore those pictures and the look on Chris' face and how teeny tiny Paige was. I was completely in love and could not get enough of her. It killed me each time to not be able to take her back to my room with me. I dont remember how long that visit was but it wasnt long enough. We went back to our room to try and get as much sleep as we could between pumping sessions.

The next day is when they came and finally took what i thought was the IV out and the pain pump. Apparently it was actually pitocin, to make me have contractions in order to help my uterus contract back down after delivery. Once that was stopped i felt a million times better. Every bit of pain was gone! I was like a new person! I was even able to get up out of bed on my own. My regular OB came in to see me and congratulate us and to check my incision, which looked perfect. Since i was able to get myself up we were at our own liberty to go to the NICU any time we wanted. If visitors werent there or expected we were down there with her. At some point in the afternoon i was encouraged to take a shower, which i was more then ready to do. The nurses insisted they could help me, but i was more comfortable with Chris helping me. Being the wonderful man he is, he stood there and held the shower head for me while i got myself cleaned up. He helped me rinse my hair and kept the water on me to keep me warm. I was able to dry my hair on my own but i know he would have done it for me if i needed because he did it for me toward the end of the pregnancy.

Another major event that happened the day after Paige was born was being able to feed her her first bottle. This actually happened shortly after the pitocin was stopped so i was able to transfer from the bed to a chair that was in our room. Her first feeding was delayed because they were worried about her being so small (i dont get it). So much to my surprise one of the NICU nurses comes in to give me an update on her (she was doing great) and asks if i'd like to feed her, her first bottle (back tracking...) this was before i was able to get myself up out of the bed, so she says i'll be right back, i'll bring her down here to you. Whaaaaaaat?? I didnt think a NICU baby was allowed out! I was thrilled!! In she comes a short time later with Paige in tow in one of those little clear bassinets! I couldnt wait to hold her again! It was really special to be the one to give my daughter her first drops of food. The pictures that were taken show me with so much concentration in my expressions. I wanted to do it right! Paige was an angel. After she ate skin to skin was done for the first time. It was the best feeling in the world. My baby, my husband and I had created, was laying on my chest and our skin was touching. Its another moment i will never forget. I cried and held her so close and gently. I loved her SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO much!!! Later at our first annual NICU reunion i was able to connect with that nurse and tell her how much that moment meant to me. She says she likes for the mommy's to be the ones to feed the baby first so she does that as often as she can. That is a special kind of nurse.

The rest of our time there was pretty typical, i would imagine. Lots of pumping, hours spent in the NICU cuddling my sweet girl. I am finishing this up 9 months later and the emotional surrounding that day are still very much a part of me. Paige is the most amazing thing i have ever accomplished in my life and I am actually proud of myself for growing her within me. Yes, the end of the pregnancy got a bit rough but collectively i thought my pregnancy was pretty great. I really didnt have any MAJOR complications which i think surprised a lot of people. I feel lucky for that. I wouldnt change a single bit of it for anything. So much could have gone wrong, but it didnt. I am healthy, and so is our beautiful daughter. We did find out she has OI Type V as well, but so far she's only had rib fractures that may have happened in utero. She's happy and hitting milestones left and right. Possibly the most rewarding milestone for me was her first word..."mama."

More then Half Way Through!

I cant believe i'm 6 months pregnant now! Everything has been going perfectly with no complications at all! Well, except for the oral thrush i keep getting. But its minor and treatable. I'm feeling her kicks every day and i love it each time! Chris and I cannot wait to see her again on an ultrasound. Hopefully we will have another one on January 2nd. I also have not gained much weight at all, which is good because i was a bit over weight at the beginning of my pregnancy. My belly is filling out, but i still think i just look fat, not pregnant, but my husband tells me every time that i look pregnant, a pregnant belly is shaped differently.



What do you think? The 22 week picture was taken on Monday, Dec. 17, 2012.

It's a...

We had our anatomy scan on Tuesday, and it was the most amazing experience of my life. The last time we saw baby at around 6 weeks, it was just a blob, didnt even look like a baby. All of my check ups have been great since then and since buying a hand held doppler we've heard its heart beat every single day some times twice a day. Dont worry its perfectly safe. We made sure with the doctor! So we knew baby was still there and still growing.

Geez, i cant keep calling the baby an It! We know what "It" is!!
We're having a beautiful sweet precious...
GIRL!

Isnt that exciting?! I swore it was a boy! And i was completely wrong! But i dont mind at all! She's growing healthy and thats what matters to us! She didnt show any broken bones at this point which is very good news! All of her measurements are on track, except her long bones are measuring a week behind. But i'm not alarmed or concerned at all. I'm small, and Chris is pretty short also, so we may just have a small baby. And if its an indication of having OI, no big deal! We love her and she'll have a wonderful life growing up as our DAUGHTER. I have a daughter people!!!

We are VERY happy to announce...

Life Changes so Quickly

I have a lot to catch up on! SO much has changed in the last few months i havent written an actual blog. Where do i even begin!?

Last time i actually wrote i mentioned something about how we were building our house. Well, that house is complete. And we've been living in it for a little over a month. Its wonderful! Everything is just how we wanted it and works the way we expected. Some things have needed to be fixed already but thats what the warranty is for! The only thing that has really continued to be an issue is the cable/internet service. We have been without service since June 29th!! Its not quite as terrible as it might sound but its really starting to get old. I've only got so many DVD's i can watch!! The last i was told, we should have service at some point next week. We shall see.

I also spoke about how upset i was about turning 30, turns out I was crying about nothing. Little did i know my wonderful husband was planning a surprise party for me the whole time. We were in the middle of finishing up painting our house, and it was actually Mother's Day so it was a good fake reason to get together at my parents house. It was a fun surprise and was really special. Not only did Chris plan this whole thing but he had cards for each mother at the party (remember it was Mother's Day) including me!! It meant more to me then the party. No one else considered me a mother because we lost our child, except he knew. Not only did i cry because i was surprised by the party but i cried because of his sentiment about the holiday. I've married a wonderful guy, i'm telling you!!

Speaking of being a mother, you are probably wondering what the latest is on the baby making front. Well, let me explain. We took a few months off. We were both getting too stressed and it wasnt fun anymore because month after month it just wasnt happening. We didnt start preventing but we just werent so focused on what cycle day i was on and if i was ovulating or not. It was nice for a bit. We decided to officially start trying "hardcore" again with cycle #10. I bought another combo pack of OPKs and Pregnancy tests from Amazon and was prepared to start all over again.

My next cycle started on July 6th and i started doing the OPKs around cycle day 13 or 13. Finally got a positive on July 28th, which was CD23. We had baby danced the day before i got the positive and also the day after (with out times before and after that of course but those are the ones that "counted)." I didnt want to put pressure on the issue so i just let it happen how it was going to happen. Chris did know about the OPKs though.

Fast forward to August 6th, which would be 8-9 days past ovulation. I decide it would be a good idea to take one of the cheapy pregnancy test and of course not tell Chris. Here is that test...


I took the test with first morning urine. If you look really hard, i'm pretty sure there is a second line! I put the thought in the back of my mind and just tell myself its a dreaded evap, even though it came up within the specific time limit.

August 7th, i decide to take another one, this time with first morning urine. This time i had told Chris i would be doing it. I also dipped a first response test thinking it may be positive.
Here is the internet cheapy....


Again, my eyes are trying to tel lme there is something there. I show it to Chris before i left for work and he says he sees something too. All day i am torturing myself thinking i may actually be pregnant! I had forgotten about the first response so i asked Chris to go in the bathroom and check it. And unfortunately that test was definatly negative. I dont even have a picture of it. So I decided to do another test when i got home. I had held my pee since lunch so i thought surely it would be enough to show something on a test. So after a very long day i get home and take the test. Here is that test...


Now i know my eyes arent lying to me. But i'm still cautious because the First Response test was negative that morning. I convince Chris to stop and get a digital test on his way home for work and vow to take it in the morning. Here is the cheapy test from the morning...


and the results from the digital........




FREAKING AWESOME, right?! Based on when i ovulated i've calculated i am due around April 20, 2013 which makes me about 3 weeks and 5 days. I went for a blood draw yesterday, August 8th, and my first beta was a 19, my progesterone was at a 18.08. My doctor isnt in this week so the on call doctor went ahead and prescribed progesterone just as a precaution until i get results from my next blood test on Monday to make sure my numbers are rising the way they are supposed to. I cant believe it! Chris and I are elated!! We are nervous too. But we are going to take this one day at a time.

Cycle #10

As of July 6th we are in cyle #10.

Cycle #8

Yep, another month has gone by and i'm not pregnant. Who's surprised? Anyone?? Not me. I am so frustrated that it was a 39 day cycle. What the hell! I went from having a freaking 29 day cycle to a 39 day cycle. What kind of sick joke is my body playing on me?? And WHY?! Why am i not deserving of having a child? Why does the universe think everyone else around me deserves to be parents except Chris and I? What did i do wrong? Each month that goes by and has failed i give up. Chris always brings me back around, but how many more times can i do that? I've got myself more then half convinced we are better off without a child. Even one. We can do what we want when every we want. We both LOVE our sleep and sleep in every single weekend. If i get home from a long day at work and i'm tired, i can take a nap for as long as i want. If we want to go away on a whim one weekend we can do that with no problems. I cannot stand it when people use their kids as an excuse not to go some where so if we did have a kid that wouldnt stop us, but it would just take more planning. And, i'll admit it, i'm lazy!! We are building this wonderful house that wont have to be over run with baby and kid stuff! Chris will have his play room, and then i can have the other bedroom as my play room. Not sure what i'll play with but i'll find something. I've been wanting to get a sewing machine so badly, so it would be a great sewing/craft room!

I turn 30 in exactly a week. May 15. Its really depressing. Not only because i'm not a mother but because i dont have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but if i'm being honest they are more like acquaintances. The last time I talked to my best friend was when she told me she was pregnant with #5. She’s now half way through that pregnancy. I’ve tried texting her asking how things are going and it goes unanswered. And the last time I was like ‘why don’t you ever text me back?’ I was told ‘you aren’t the only person in my life, I have kids that come first.’ A quick text back is not going to hurt you! But then I’ll just get the ‘you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.’ You know what, fuck you for saying that to me. My best friend hasn’t necessarily said that to me, but I know she’s thought it and I’ve heard it before. Talk about hurtful. And that’s the thing, every single last one of my friends has children and I haven’t talked to in months. Its because we no longer have anything in common because my every waking moment is not consumed by a child.

My heart just aches today. The realization that I will be 30 in a week and I will but celebrating with only my husband and no one else. Maybe its best that way. Keep the one that cares the most about me closest and who cares about anyone else?