What a difference a year can make. Its pretty surreal. I can remember exactly what Chris and I were doing a year ago like I was watching a movie. I guess that’s sort of what it feels like at this point. We had put off grocery shopping on our usual Sunday for whatever reason so after work we had dinner and then went to the grocery. Before we had went I had realized that day my period was due. Mentioned it to Chris so he suggested we get a pregnancy test while at the store. I got so excited. The weeks leading up to that day I thought and thought about whether or not I was pregnant. This was before I knew what sort of signs I could have noticed. I was so naive. I had some! I was super tired, had cramps, gas, bloating and had break through heartburn. I take a prescription for GERD so I usually don’t have it. Anyway up until the 22nd I thought about it every day. But that day I hadn’t. So we grocery shop, buy a pregnancy test and go home. I didn’t have to pee yet so we had to wait until I did. Again, I had forgotten we had bought it. Chris and I were playing a seek-and-find game on the computer together and I announced I had to pee just being silly, and Chris reminded me to take the test! I was so nervous! Here goes nothing! I peed on that stick and we waited the time the instructions told us to. Went back in three minutes later to see not one but TWO lines!!! I was pregnant! Our first month of “not trying not preventing” and BAM it worked!! We were going to be PARENTS and our lives would change forever. In an instant everything changed. When I handed the test to Chris to see for himself, he didn’t believe it was actually positive. “One line is lighter then the other, that’s not positive.” he said. I replied “Yes it is!! A line is a line!! Look!!” I shoved the instructions in his face so he could read it and look at the pictures. Its safe to say we were both shocked but completely happy at the same time.
As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I swear I could “feel” it. It was a strange feeling in my lower abdomen. But knowing what was going on, it was wonderful! We went back to playing our computer game but that didn’t last long. Apparently it really turned Chris on so we had to celebrate. It was so sweet and romantic. I remember feeling cramps after we made love, like our child was telling me it was there. It was an amazing night. Something I’ll never forget. Something I crave to experience again. I ache to see two lines again on a pregnancy test.
The saddest/worst possible day of my entire life occurred just 19 days later. It was the day after my work’s Christmas party. We got home late from the party; I had some slight cramping, but it was pretty normal since finding out I was expecting. I went to the bathroom and noticed the slightest twinge of very light brown, barely even noticeable really, on the toilet paper when I used the bathroom before going to bed. I didn’t even say anything to Chris about it and just pushed it to the back of my mind. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. I pushed it out of my mind and went to sleep still so happy to be pregnant!
The next day, my life changed forever…again. I started having constant cramps. I knew something was up. I asked friends, my sister, everyone said it was normal. Not to worry. Everything was fine. I felt like no one was really listening to me. There was a bit more when I used the bathroom on the toilet paper but I tried so hard to ignore it. I told Chris about it. We agreed I would keep an eye on it. I went about with the plans to go shopping with a friend. I didn’t have a good time, all I could do was worry. We got into a very minor fender bender (we were barely going 20 if even that fast when the guy rear ended me) while going from one store to the next. The shock of the impact made my adrenaline kick in which made my cramps worse. I texted Chris at work to tell him we had been in a wreck. We went to the next store but decided I should go home after that to check the spotting. If it was worse I would go to the hospital. Chris left work and met me at home. I went to the bathroom and called Chris in with me (my friend came back with me) and I started crying. I was now fully bleeding. We decided to go to the emergency room. They got me back right away. Once I was in a room I cried. I spent most of the time we were at the hospital crying. The doctor was really nice and understanding (his wife had had a miscarriage) and the nurse was also nice (she had also had one). I had absolutely no idea how common they were. I hadn’t known anyone who had had one. I gave the urine sample, vials of blood and had an ultrasound. I was diagnosed with a threatened abortion. Seriously they need to rethink the naming of that. Blah. I was given pain medicine and anti nausea medicine, although I wasn’t nauseous. Word had gotten back to my parents we were at the hospital so as I was getting dressed to leave my parents show up. So I cried some more. We didn’t want anyone to worry. They thought I was hurt from the wreck I was in, so having to tell them we were losing our baby hurt so much. Seeing their shock and sadness broke my heart all over again. My mom cried with me.
After leaving the hospital I had to call the rest of the family, his parents, my brother and sisters to tell them what was going on. By then it was pretty late, close to midnight. So we went to a 24 hr CVS to fill my prescriptions. While waiting for it to be filled I felt the pregnancy pass. I was thankful Chris told me to put a panty liner in. Why he was the one to tell me to do that and I wasn’t smart enough to do it myself I cant tell you…I swear the cramps were mini contractions. And they were very painful. The lortabs didn’t really do much, and I was prescribed to take two per dose.
Thankfully this all happened on a weekend so I had a day I could rest and recover. I went to work that Monday though. I decided to tell my direct boss and word got around to the GM and she made me go home. I didn’t want to go home. I was distracted at work from thinking about it and being upset. But I went anyway. I don’t remember if Chris was there or if he was at work. The details get hazy at this point in my story. But I know for sure I went home and cried more.
We never knew how badly we wanted a child together until it happened and until it was gone. I long to see two lines again on a pregnancy test. Some day i will again. Right?
