Boy did i ever slack off with this blog! I'm kicking myself for it now! Well, if you couldnt tell by the title of this blog, our daughter has arrived!! I cant wait to get it all down in writing to have for years to come.
I had what had become a routine appointment at the high risk doctors office on Friday, April 5, 2013 at 9:15 in the morning (I was 37 weeks, 5 days pregnant). I say routine because we went every Friday to the high risk office, and every Tuesday to the regular OB office. We had testing done twice a week to keep a close eye on both me and Paige. Each and every time we went we would pass every test with no complications. At the regular OB office they would do a non stress test, which is where they hook me up to a machine to monitor any possible contractions and another to monitor Pagie's movements. I'd sit there relaxing for about half an hour, and she'd perform for them with no issues and i'd only have mild braxton hicks contractions from time to time. At the high risk office they would do a growth scan (every 2 weeks) and also a biophysical profile (BPP), and dopplers of the umbilical cord to make sure everything was still good there. And again, we'd get an 8\8 on the BPP and the dopplers would be perfect too. The biophysical profile would check her heart rate, muscle tone, movement, amniotic fluid levels, and practice breathing.
Anyway, so we go on Friday for the routine and with the intention of asking to go ahead and schedule delivery for the following Monday, which would have been April 8th (38 weeks, 1 day pregnant), because i was getting way too uncomfortable and needed that relief. I felt like a failure that it had come to me wanting it to be over but i was really having a difficult time getting around and doing much of anything without help. Chris and I discussed it and decided Monday should be the day. Monday is specific because that's when my regular OB schedules her c-sections and we wanted her to be the one to deliver.
So the appointment starts off much the same as it always does. Paige looked adorable and was hiding her face like always. She did everything she was supposed to right away except for showing her practice breathing. So the ultrasound tech kept trying to get cute shots of her face to give her time to show her breathing. There is a time limit for babies to show this and once that time had come and gone and she still hadnt breathed, an NST was the next step. She also had only gained 3 ounces from the previous growth scan two weeks prior, which was well below what it should have been. They had predicted her weight at that time as 3lbs 12 oz. So the ultrasound tech went to make her report and said she'll probably be back to take me to the NST area after discussing with the doctor. A bit of time had passed and she came back in briefly (i'm not even sure why at this point) and said something, in passing, about possibly sending us up to labor and delivery.
Chris and I looked at each other after she left the room again with giant eyes and said "TODAY?!" I immediately was in denial and was thinking, no way, she'll just do an NST and then everything will show its fine and we'll schedule things for Monday. We were moved from the ultrasound room into a conference room where we had more time to freak out a little and keep repeating to each other "TODAY???" We still had so much to do at home that was on the agenda to get done over the weekend in preparation for her arrival on MONDAY, not FRIDAY!!! Finally the doctor comes in and she says something along the lines of "I think today is the day, we should have this baby today." I repeated again, "Today!?" But my regular OB isnt in the office today! She's the one who's supposed to do it. We asked about waiting until my doctor would be there (Monday!!!) so things could go the way they were supposed to. But the high risk doctor said she wouldn't want to wait. She did say she'd try and get a hold of my doctor and see if she could come in for the surgery. Unfortunately my doctor was not able to come in. :( So her office partner would be doing the surgery. We asked if there was time for us to go home and get our hospital bags. She asked how far away we live and after telling her about 20 minutes (40 round trip) she said it would be best if Chris went and I stayed there and got checked in. What the heck?! We couldnt even go home and get our bags?! Then i start thinking, what isnt she telling me? Is something really wrong with Paige? Is there more going on here then she's saying? We cant wait two more days for the weekend and we cant wait an hour just to go home and get our things?? Ooook then, so we were then escorted up stairs to labor and delivery around 11:30am.
Once up there we are shown into a room and left while they go gather things to check us in. Once we were behind that closed door Chris drops down to his knees in front of me, we grab each other and we both just start sobbing. I dont remember what either of us said but it defiantly included the following:
"I'm scared!"
"I just want her to be ok!"
"I love you!"
"TODAY?!"
Two nurses come in while we're in the middle of having our moment and ask if we're ok. Uhh, yeah, we're having a baby that's all. lol I'm instructed to take everything off, and put the robe on. I go into the bathroom for that and have another moment of tears while i'm alone and I take my time getting undressed. I make my way out and on to the bed and get hooked up to the contraction and heart rate monitors. The nurses start asking me a billion questions the whole time i feel like i'm talking through clenched teeth because i am SO NERVOUS and SO anxious. I also realized i had been having a contraction for what felt like hours. My stomach stayed tight right up until i went unconscious for delivery. We ask if its ok if we make calls to our family to let them know its happening today, and of course they say thats ok. We both start calling our parents first. Of course i cry when i'm telling my mom, she says she'll call dad and they'll be there as soon as they can. I'm pretty sure Chris' mom was leaving her work before Chris even had a chance to get all the words out! :) My grandmother had called me while we were in the middle of our doctors appointment with the high risk doctor. She had made Paige a small quilt and a wall hanging for Chris and I that matched and wanted to bring them by the house real quick. So my next call was to her to tell her she'd have to bring it by the hospital if she really wanted to give it to us now. She was so excited and also cried. My next call was to my older sister, Michelle. She asked if we wanted them to come and i said of course! I wanted everyone to be there!! Most or some people dont, but i did!! I wanted all the support we could get! This was the moment we needed it the most, so EVERYONE was welcome. We had also discussed giving our house key to Michelle while i was in surgery so she could go get our bags. In between phone calls and answering questions from the nurses the "on call" doctor comes in to introduce herself. We very briefly go over my history and talk about how both Paige and i need to be treated gently to avoid causing any potential fractures, and how we've decided to have general anesthesia instead of trying an epidural, about possibly making a bigger incision to avoid too much pulling and tugging on Paige. We were also told the surgery would be performed down stairs in one of the larger operating rooms in the hospital, not in the labor and delivery operating rooms. Surgery was officially scheduled for 2pm.
Chris' mom made it there in record time. Michelle and part of her family show up after that, and then my parents. It was so exciting! Chris and I were still making phone calls and sending text messages. I had an IV in place by then too, and answered even more questions for the nurses. I remember being so hungry and thirsty but of course I wasnt allowed to have anything. We discussed where Chris and our family would wait and how long the surgery would take. Since i would be having surgery under general anesthesia Chris would not be allowed in there. This was something we wanted to try to avoid but in the end we decided together it would be safer and easier on me to just have general. It sucked that neither of us would be there to hear and see her come into the world but we knew it was the best for all of us. We were promised the neonatal team would stop quickly at the waiting area for Chris to get a glimpse of her before whisking her off to the NICU.
It was time for surgery. I was wheeled down with my family like a parade behind me. I cried on the way down. We made a stop by the waiting room and i hugged and kissed everyone. It was really hard to kiss and hug Chris knowing he wouldn't be there to hold my hand through it. I know it was hard on him but of course he didnt show it. He later told me he cried. I was taken into the surgery hall way where i was parked to wait for the anesthesiologist who was still upstairs giving someone an epidural. That wait felt like hours, when in reality it was probably only minutes. I wasnt alone, there were all kinds of nurses around. I couldnt tell you who was who though because they were all wearing their face masks. I was told names, but again, i couldnt tell you what their names were to save my life. One nurse stayed by my side and tried to make conversation with me but i just wasnt in the mood to talk. I'd answer her questions about Paige and Chris and I but i didnt really go into much detail. From the moment we were told we were delivering today it felt like Paige squeezed her entire body up into my ribs, as if to say, i'm not coming out! She stayed pressed up against my ribs until i was asleep, and it also felt like i had one looooooong contraction the entire time. I tried focusing on my breathing to calm myself down and relax my belly but it just didnt work. I was clenching my jaw and had a death grip on the tissue i had in my hand. I knew this day was coming but i was just overwhelmed that it was happening so suddenly. And to be honest, i knew Paige was fine. Knowing she had shown no signs of distress and was still kicking me and moving around, i knew she was alright. I was more overwhelmed with the fact that i was meeting my daughter today. All the hard work and sadness we had gone through to get to this day was flooding my emotions and i was just anxious to finally see her and hold her and to be her mommy. I also knew in my heart the surgery was going to go just fine. I kept repeating to myself in my head "you're going to be fine, Paige is going to be fine, you need to calm down." HOWEVER, while I was back on deck for surgery, waiting for the anesthesiologist, i panicked and freaked out within myself. I remember thinking "OMG, i cannot do this! I change my mind, i need to get the hell out of here. I dont care how, I have no idea where my wheelchair is, i'll scoot down the damn hallway with my ass hanging out of this robe if i have to, i just need to get out of here!!!" Can you imagine?! LOL
I dont remember if i had those thoughts before or after the neonatal team came in. That moment will be forever in my mind. I had semi calmed myself down enough that I wasnt crying and i was able to smile at some of the nurses and probably even laugh with them. One of the nurses announce the neonatal team had arrived. They were behind me so i had no idea what they looked like. I just thought it was a couple people. They stayed back there for a bit and then they decided to come around me and wait in an area in front of me. I did not expect to see what i saw. They wheeled a bed by that looked like they were prepared for my baby to be barely alive, there were all kinds of equipment and oxygen tanks, in my mind i was just thinking the normal incubator nothing major. Any sort of calm i had finally gotten myself to was gone and i pretty much lost it. The though that something was more wrong then i was being told crept in my mind again. The nurse saw my reaction and came over and put her hand on my shoulder and promised it was going to be ok and gave me more tissues. I wanted Chris to be there with me more then ever at that moment. I wanted to hear from him that everything was going to be ok and for him to hug me and wipe my tears.
When i get really nervous i shake like i'm cold. Teeth chattering and everything. The nurse saw this and asked if i wanted a warm blanket, thinking i was cold. I said wasnt cold, but its was worth a shot to try. So she covered me up with one of those warmed blankets. It helped me calm down a little bit but then i started getting sweaty so i took it off.
The anesthesiologist finally got there. I ended up having two. There may have been some confusion about whether or not i wanted an epidural or general. Back when we were deciding which route to go we met with the anesthesiologist that was on call that day and he didnt impress us at all. He had no knowledge of OI aside from what he had just read in a text book before meeting with Chris and I. He didnt seem to grasp the lack of severity in my condition and was talking about how he'd be scared to use a blood pressure cuff on me and there was another technique they could use to keep an eye on my blood pressure that would involve lines going into each of my wrists. Umm, dude, i have had my blood pressure taken with a blood pressure cuff each time i've seen the doctor through this pregnancy and i've been seeing a doctor twice a week. And i'm pretty sure if i'm capable of carrying a child to term, i can handle getting my blood pressure monitored normally. Needless to say i was annoyed after meeting with that particular anesthesiologist. Odds were in our favor that we wouldnt get him the day i would deliver since the hospital has 30 different ones on call at any given day. So the day comes and of course he's one of the two. And i think the only reason he may have been involved is because we talked to him already so I feel like the impression he knew us made him seem like an asset to the surgery. Whatever. So the main anesthesiologist mentions to me about doing the blood pressure monitoring through my wrists and i'm like, I've never had any issues having my blood pressure taken normally with a blood pressure cuff. So they agree to do it that way. And then he's all concerned about my jaw and getting a good airway and blah blah blah, even looked in my mouth (which seems kinda silly to me at this point) and again i'm like, i've had several broken bones and each time i've been put under general anesthesia to set the bone and never had any issues. He did insist on spraying the back of my throat with some numbing spray, even though i'd be asleep when they put the breathing tube in. He told me it would taste like banana's and i said "yeah right." and we all kind of laughed and he still insisted it would. So he sprays my throat and the stuff was N A S T Y no banana i've ever eaten tasted like that. It immediately numbs my throat and i feel like my throat is closing up, like i cant swallow, and like i was choking, which made me panic a little more, which was just what i needed... He wanted to spray me again and i was like, no, i cant do it again. Thankfully he didnt insist.
A nurse then gives me a shot of anti nausea medication (in case i have a reaction to the anesthesia) and i'm finally taken into the OR. As i'm being wheeled in I see the on call doctor and then my high risk doctor. I smiled at her being glad to see someone who's been through the end of this pregnancy and knows my situation. It calmed me ever so slightly, considering i was being wheeled into surgery! I later found out instead of being there to assist with the surgery she actually performed the surgery. I look around the room and realize there are at least 20 people in there!! I'm sure there were 10 for me and 10 for Paige. I saw the normal infant warmer bed and then i was laid down because they were about to transfer me to the operating table. They were so cautious not to move me too quickly (i might break you know! Bahahaha!) which i found funny. As soon as i was placed on the bed i was instantly VERY uncomfortable. The right middle side of my back started hurting. For some reason they had put a wedge on that side of the bed to have me tilted to one side so they took that out. Didnt help. I had requested pillows (at least one) be put under my knees since my right leg doesnt bend out all the way so they took that out. Didnt help. They asked what they needed to do and i said i needed to sit up. So they let me sit up for as long as i needed. They asked if they could do anything else and i said "Can someone rub my back?" I was dead serious (its something Chris would have done had he been in in there!) but no one did. Sigh, so i stretched my back out as much as i could and finally decided i better just suck it up and get this over with. Now that i think about it, it was probably a contraction! So I lay back down, they put the blood pressure cuff on, the pulse thing on my finger and whatever else. There was a nurse by my side the entire time actually holding my hand for me and patting my arm telling me it was going to be ok and that i was doing great. It was so comforting and i wish i knew who she was so i could thank her now, but i couldnt tell you her name if i needed to at this point. I had a tissue in my hand from waiting out in the hallway and she took that out of my hand and held it instead. They're messing with my legs getting pillows just right under them, my arms are being messed with getting them out to my sides. Then its time to get the oxygen mask. The nurse in charge of holding that on my face did a bad job. Half the time the mask was squishing into my eye! Ugh! But i just kept trying to wiggle around it instead of saying something. lol Then its time to drape me with the cloth with the plastic in the middle where they'll be doing the surgery, i dunno what its called, but anyway, i guess they messed it up because they had to re do it with another cloth/plastic piece. Shortly after that i'm told i'll be getting sleepy and thats all i remember. I usually feel it taking effect, but not this time! I was out!
Its as if i was only out for a second because the next thing i know there's a nurse calling my name as i'm waking back up and asking how i feel. I croaked out "It hurts. How's my baby?" She promises to get me some more pain medication to help and tells me Paige is doing great. That she cried on her own and was breathing on her own. She was 4 pounds 11 oz. I tried to cry but that hurt my belly too much so instead i'm pretty sure i just made an ugly cry face without the crying. She then tells me she needs to push on my belly and that it was going to hurt. She wasnt kidding! That wasnt a fun way to wake up! She also checked the bleeding. Kind of awkward but you kind of loose all modesty when you have a c-section. I think i drifted off again at that point and it seems like she comes right back seconds later to push on me again and i ask again "How's my baby? Is she ok?" Again i'm told she's doing great and again, i try to cry but i cant. I think i also asked about my husband and if he'd gotten to see her and i was told yes, and that he was with her right then. By then i was awake enough and ready to be moved to my room. On the way we would stop in the NICU so i could meet my daughter and see my husband. I was defiantly awake then! I couldnt wait to see her!
My bed was wheeled into the back of the NICU where Paige was resting in the open bed warmer with nothing attached to her. She didnt need any help breathing or anything. I was so thankful!! Chris met us in there too so I was finally able to see him too. We were together for the first time as a family. I was asked if i wanted to hold her and at first i said no because i didnt think i would be able to sit up enough to hold her properly. But then i quickly changed my mind and she was placed in the crook of my left arm. The first thing i said to her was "Hi baby, i'm your mommy!" I'm sure shortly after i told her i loved her. I couldnt stop looking at her. She was the most beautiful freshly born baby i had ever seen. She was peaceful and fit into my arm perfectly. She was so tiny. I touched every part of her i could without unwrapping her from the swaddle she was in. The smile on Chris' face was something that wouldnt go away, it was wonderful to see him so happy. After about half an hour or so and as much as i didnt want to give her back and leave her to go to my postpartum room, i had to. I knew i'd be back to see her soon, and i knew she was doing excellent so it wasnt too hard to leave her there.
Once in my room my family was able to come in and see me. Chris started the process of taking everyone into the NICU one by one to see her. My throat hurt from having the breathing tube in and i asked for some ice chips to munch on and help my throat. I was still laying down at this point so someone had to feed them to me. My mom and my sister Michelle took turns doing that while everyone else was making phone calls to spread the news that Paige and I were doing great! I would have made some of the calls myself but i couldnt really talk very loudly or for long since my throat hurt so much and i was still a little groggy from surgery. In the middle of all of this the lactation consultant came in to explain how to use the pump. To be honest, i dont remember very much because i was visiting and like i said still groggy post surgery. It was pretty inconvenient but whatever.
Eventually the excitement calmed down and we were moved to a bigger room, because the one they had me in wasnt very big at all. Since they werent making me get up yet they kept me in the regular hospital bed. Our new room had the typical postpartum queen sized bed moved over for Chris to sleep in while i kept the regular bed. I was in pain and was NOT looking forward to having to get up and move around, so i tried to avoid it for as long as possible. I had a morphine pump for the pain over night and half way through the next day. It seemed like i was constantly in pain. It was manageable but it never seemed to go away. When i finally did start to pump breast milk sitting up to do that was pretty painful. But i did it with Chris' help.
Chris...that man is amazing. I've always known he's a great guy, i wouldnt have married him otherwise, and he's always been kind and caring and sweet to me. He's always loved me for me and no matter what. Once i was put on bed rest he would do everything. He would come home during lunch time to help me with lunch and anything else i needed before going back. He was working 12 hour days at that time. So he was exhausted by the time he got home for the night. But he still was attentive and helpful towards me. He'd help me get a shower every night and do whatever i needed without question or complaints. When Paige was born, he became even more attentive and helpful. Like i said it was difficult and painful for me to sit up to pump. Chris was there to help every 2 hours. He set his cell phone alarm through the night hours to wake us up and he would literally sit with me and hold one side of the pump on my breast for me. I never asked him to help me like that, he just did it. He would wash the bottles once that session was done and label the milk and take it down to the NICU every 2 hours. He became the breast milk Nazi! I have never heard of a husband being that helpful and hands on when it comes to pumping breast milk. In fact, the nurses said just that and commented on how awesome Chris was.
Things with pumping went way better then i ever expected. I was a pumping champ, with Chris' help!! I had a really great supply! I think they only had to supplement a couple times for Paige her entire stay in the NICU. I was very proud of myself.
Once everyone had left for the evening i wanted to see Paige again, so we got the nurses to wheel me and the bed and my IV back down there to her in the NICU. I needed to see her!!! I was so grateful the nurses at that time were willing to take me down again. Chris helped by wheeling the IV pole behind. The nurses were going a bit too quickly through a narrow area and the IV pole got caught on a door way and yanked my arm back. Fortunately it didnt rip the IV out. I wouldnt have cared, i just wanted to hold my daughter again. This visit, which was in the wee hours of the morning (like 2am-ish) is when we had our first family picture together. I adore those pictures and the look on Chris' face and how teeny tiny Paige was. I was completely in love and could not get enough of her. It killed me each time to not be able to take her back to my room with me. I dont remember how long that visit was but it wasnt long enough. We went back to our room to try and get as much sleep as we could between pumping sessions.
The next day is when they came and finally took what i thought was the IV out and the pain pump. Apparently it was actually pitocin, to make me have contractions in order to help my uterus contract back down after delivery. Once that was stopped i felt a million times better. Every bit of pain was gone! I was like a new person! I was even able to get up out of bed on my own. My regular OB came in to see me and congratulate us and to check my incision, which looked perfect. Since i was able to get myself up we were at our own liberty to go to the NICU any time we wanted. If visitors werent there or expected we were down there with her. At some point in the afternoon i was encouraged to take a shower, which i was more then ready to do. The nurses insisted they could help me, but i was more comfortable with Chris helping me. Being the wonderful man he is, he stood there and held the shower head for me while i got myself cleaned up. He helped me rinse my hair and kept the water on me to keep me warm. I was able to dry my hair on my own but i know he would have done it for me if i needed because he did it for me toward the end of the pregnancy.
Another major event that happened the day after Paige was born was being able to feed her her first bottle. This actually happened shortly after the pitocin was stopped so i was able to transfer from the bed to a chair that was in our room. Her first feeding was delayed because they were worried about her being so small (i dont get it). So much to my surprise one of the NICU nurses comes in to give me an update on her (she was doing great) and asks if i'd like to feed her, her first bottle (back tracking...) this was before i was able to get myself up out of the bed, so she says i'll be right back, i'll bring her down here to you. Whaaaaaaat?? I didnt think a NICU baby was allowed out! I was thrilled!! In she comes a short time later with Paige in tow in one of those little clear bassinets! I couldnt wait to hold her again! It was really special to be the one to give my daughter her first drops of food. The pictures that were taken show me with so much concentration in my expressions. I wanted to do it right! Paige was an angel. After she ate skin to skin was done for the first time. It was the best feeling in the world. My baby, my husband and I had created, was laying on my chest and our skin was touching. Its another moment i will never forget. I cried and held her so close and gently. I loved her SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO much!!! Later at our first annual NICU reunion i was able to connect with that nurse and tell her how much that moment meant to me. She says she likes for the mommy's to be the ones to feed the baby first so she does that as often as she can. That is a special kind of nurse.
The rest of our time there was pretty typical, i would imagine. Lots of pumping, hours spent in the NICU cuddling my sweet girl. I am finishing this up 9 months later and the emotional surrounding that day are still very much a part of me. Paige is the most amazing thing i have ever accomplished in my life and I am actually proud of myself for growing her within me. Yes, the end of the pregnancy got a bit rough but collectively i thought my pregnancy was pretty great. I really didnt have any MAJOR complications which i think surprised a lot of people. I feel lucky for that. I wouldnt change a single bit of it for anything. So much could have gone wrong, but it didnt. I am healthy, and so is our beautiful daughter. We did find out she has OI Type V as well, but so far she's only had rib fractures that may have happened in utero. She's happy and hitting milestones left and right. Possibly the most rewarding milestone for me was her first word..."mama."
Monday, January 13, 2014
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
More then Half Way Through!
I cant believe i'm 6 months pregnant now! Everything has been going perfectly with no complications at all! Well, except for the oral thrush i keep getting. But its minor and treatable. I'm feeling her kicks every day and i love it each time! Chris and I cannot wait to see her again on an ultrasound. Hopefully we will have another one on January 2nd. I also have not gained much weight at all, which is good because i was a bit over weight at the beginning of my pregnancy. My belly is filling out, but i still think i just look fat, not pregnant, but my husband tells me every time that i look pregnant, a pregnant belly is shaped differently.
What do you think? The 22 week picture was taken on Monday, Dec. 17, 2012.
What do you think? The 22 week picture was taken on Monday, Dec. 17, 2012.
Friday, November 30, 2012
It's a...
We had our anatomy scan on Tuesday, and it was the most amazing experience of my life. The last time we saw baby at around 6 weeks, it was just a blob, didnt even look like a baby. All of my check ups have been great since then and since buying a hand held doppler we've heard its heart beat every single day some times twice a day. Dont worry its perfectly safe. We made sure with the doctor! So we knew baby was still there and still growing.
Geez, i cant keep calling the baby an It! We know what "It" is!!
We're having a beautiful sweet precious...
GIRL!
Isnt that exciting?! I swore it was a boy! And i was completely wrong! But i dont mind at all! She's growing healthy and thats what matters to us! She didnt show any broken bones at this point which is very good news! All of her measurements are on track, except her long bones are measuring a week behind. But i'm not alarmed or concerned at all. I'm small, and Chris is pretty short also, so we may just have a small baby. And if its an indication of having OI, no big deal! We love her and she'll have a wonderful life growing up as our DAUGHTER. I have a daughter people!!!
Geez, i cant keep calling the baby an It! We know what "It" is!!
We're having a beautiful sweet precious...
GIRL!
Isnt that exciting?! I swore it was a boy! And i was completely wrong! But i dont mind at all! She's growing healthy and thats what matters to us! She didnt show any broken bones at this point which is very good news! All of her measurements are on track, except her long bones are measuring a week behind. But i'm not alarmed or concerned at all. I'm small, and Chris is pretty short also, so we may just have a small baby. And if its an indication of having OI, no big deal! We love her and she'll have a wonderful life growing up as our DAUGHTER. I have a daughter people!!!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Life Changes so Quickly
I have a lot to catch up on! SO much has changed in the last few months i havent written an actual blog. Where do i even begin!?
Last time i actually wrote i mentioned something about how we were building our house. Well, that house is complete. And we've been living in it for a little over a month. Its wonderful! Everything is just how we wanted it and works the way we expected. Some things have needed to be fixed already but thats what the warranty is for! The only thing that has really continued to be an issue is the cable/internet service. We have been without service since June 29th!! Its not quite as terrible as it might sound but its really starting to get old. I've only got so many DVD's i can watch!! The last i was told, we should have service at some point next week. We shall see.
I also spoke about how upset i was about turning 30, turns out I was crying about nothing. Little did i know my wonderful husband was planning a surprise party for me the whole time. We were in the middle of finishing up painting our house, and it was actually Mother's Day so it was a good fake reason to get together at my parents house. It was a fun surprise and was really special. Not only did Chris plan this whole thing but he had cards for each mother at the party (remember it was Mother's Day) including me!! It meant more to me then the party. No one else considered me a mother because we lost our child, except he knew. Not only did i cry because i was surprised by the party but i cried because of his sentiment about the holiday. I've married a wonderful guy, i'm telling you!!
Speaking of being a mother, you are probably wondering what the latest is on the baby making front. Well, let me explain. We took a few months off. We were both getting too stressed and it wasnt fun anymore because month after month it just wasnt happening. We didnt start preventing but we just werent so focused on what cycle day i was on and if i was ovulating or not. It was nice for a bit. We decided to officially start trying "hardcore" again with cycle #10. I bought another combo pack of OPKs and Pregnancy tests from Amazon and was prepared to start all over again.
My next cycle started on July 6th and i started doing the OPKs around cycle day 13 or 13. Finally got a positive on July 28th, which was CD23. We had baby danced the day before i got the positive and also the day after (with out times before and after that of course but those are the ones that "counted)." I didnt want to put pressure on the issue so i just let it happen how it was going to happen. Chris did know about the OPKs though.
Fast forward to August 6th, which would be 8-9 days past ovulation. I decide it would be a good idea to take one of the cheapy pregnancy test and of course not tell Chris. Here is that test...
I took the test with first morning urine. If you look really hard, i'm pretty sure there is a second line! I put the thought in the back of my mind and just tell myself its a dreaded evap, even though it came up within the specific time limit.
August 7th, i decide to take another one, this time with first morning urine. This time i had told Chris i would be doing it. I also dipped a first response test thinking it may be positive.
Here is the internet cheapy....
Again, my eyes are trying to tel lme there is something there. I show it to Chris before i left for work and he says he sees something too. All day i am torturing myself thinking i may actually be pregnant! I had forgotten about the first response so i asked Chris to go in the bathroom and check it. And unfortunately that test was definatly negative. I dont even have a picture of it. So I decided to do another test when i got home. I had held my pee since lunch so i thought surely it would be enough to show something on a test. So after a very long day i get home and take the test. Here is that test...
Now i know my eyes arent lying to me. But i'm still cautious because the First Response test was negative that morning. I convince Chris to stop and get a digital test on his way home for work and vow to take it in the morning. Here is the cheapy test from the morning...
and the results from the digital........
FREAKING AWESOME, right?! Based on when i ovulated i've calculated i am due around April 20, 2013 which makes me about 3 weeks and 5 days. I went for a blood draw yesterday, August 8th, and my first beta was a 19, my progesterone was at a 18.08. My doctor isnt in this week so the on call doctor went ahead and prescribed progesterone just as a precaution until i get results from my next blood test on Monday to make sure my numbers are rising the way they are supposed to. I cant believe it! Chris and I are elated!! We are nervous too. But we are going to take this one day at a time.
Last time i actually wrote i mentioned something about how we were building our house. Well, that house is complete. And we've been living in it for a little over a month. Its wonderful! Everything is just how we wanted it and works the way we expected. Some things have needed to be fixed already but thats what the warranty is for! The only thing that has really continued to be an issue is the cable/internet service. We have been without service since June 29th!! Its not quite as terrible as it might sound but its really starting to get old. I've only got so many DVD's i can watch!! The last i was told, we should have service at some point next week. We shall see.
I also spoke about how upset i was about turning 30, turns out I was crying about nothing. Little did i know my wonderful husband was planning a surprise party for me the whole time. We were in the middle of finishing up painting our house, and it was actually Mother's Day so it was a good fake reason to get together at my parents house. It was a fun surprise and was really special. Not only did Chris plan this whole thing but he had cards for each mother at the party (remember it was Mother's Day) including me!! It meant more to me then the party. No one else considered me a mother because we lost our child, except he knew. Not only did i cry because i was surprised by the party but i cried because of his sentiment about the holiday. I've married a wonderful guy, i'm telling you!!
Speaking of being a mother, you are probably wondering what the latest is on the baby making front. Well, let me explain. We took a few months off. We were both getting too stressed and it wasnt fun anymore because month after month it just wasnt happening. We didnt start preventing but we just werent so focused on what cycle day i was on and if i was ovulating or not. It was nice for a bit. We decided to officially start trying "hardcore" again with cycle #10. I bought another combo pack of OPKs and Pregnancy tests from Amazon and was prepared to start all over again.
My next cycle started on July 6th and i started doing the OPKs around cycle day 13 or 13. Finally got a positive on July 28th, which was CD23. We had baby danced the day before i got the positive and also the day after (with out times before and after that of course but those are the ones that "counted)." I didnt want to put pressure on the issue so i just let it happen how it was going to happen. Chris did know about the OPKs though.
Fast forward to August 6th, which would be 8-9 days past ovulation. I decide it would be a good idea to take one of the cheapy pregnancy test and of course not tell Chris. Here is that test...
I took the test with first morning urine. If you look really hard, i'm pretty sure there is a second line! I put the thought in the back of my mind and just tell myself its a dreaded evap, even though it came up within the specific time limit.
August 7th, i decide to take another one, this time with first morning urine. This time i had told Chris i would be doing it. I also dipped a first response test thinking it may be positive.
Here is the internet cheapy....
Again, my eyes are trying to tel lme there is something there. I show it to Chris before i left for work and he says he sees something too. All day i am torturing myself thinking i may actually be pregnant! I had forgotten about the first response so i asked Chris to go in the bathroom and check it. And unfortunately that test was definatly negative. I dont even have a picture of it. So I decided to do another test when i got home. I had held my pee since lunch so i thought surely it would be enough to show something on a test. So after a very long day i get home and take the test. Here is that test...
Now i know my eyes arent lying to me. But i'm still cautious because the First Response test was negative that morning. I convince Chris to stop and get a digital test on his way home for work and vow to take it in the morning. Here is the cheapy test from the morning...
and the results from the digital........
FREAKING AWESOME, right?! Based on when i ovulated i've calculated i am due around April 20, 2013 which makes me about 3 weeks and 5 days. I went for a blood draw yesterday, August 8th, and my first beta was a 19, my progesterone was at a 18.08. My doctor isnt in this week so the on call doctor went ahead and prescribed progesterone just as a precaution until i get results from my next blood test on Monday to make sure my numbers are rising the way they are supposed to. I cant believe it! Chris and I are elated!! We are nervous too. But we are going to take this one day at a time.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Cycle #8
Yep, another month has gone by and i'm not pregnant. Who's surprised? Anyone?? Not me. I am so frustrated that it was a 39 day cycle. What the hell! I went from having a freaking 29 day cycle to a 39 day cycle. What kind of sick joke is my body playing on me?? And WHY?! Why am i not deserving of having a child? Why does the universe think everyone else around me deserves to be parents except Chris and I? What did i do wrong? Each month that goes by and has failed i give up. Chris always brings me back around, but how many more times can i do that? I've got myself more then half convinced we are better off without a child. Even one. We can do what we want when every we want. We both LOVE our sleep and sleep in every single weekend. If i get home from a long day at work and i'm tired, i can take a nap for as long as i want. If we want to go away on a whim one weekend we can do that with no problems. I cannot stand it when people use their kids as an excuse not to go some where so if we did have a kid that wouldnt stop us, but it would just take more planning. And, i'll admit it, i'm lazy!! We are building this wonderful house that wont have to be over run with baby and kid stuff! Chris will have his play room, and then i can have the other bedroom as my play room. Not sure what i'll play with but i'll find something. I've been wanting to get a sewing machine so badly, so it would be a great sewing/craft room!
I turn 30 in exactly a week. May 15. Its really depressing. Not only because i'm not a mother but because i dont have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but if i'm being honest they are more like acquaintances. The last time I talked to my best friend was when she told me she was pregnant with #5. She’s now half way through that pregnancy. I’ve tried texting her asking how things are going and it goes unanswered. And the last time I was like ‘why don’t you ever text me back?’ I was told ‘you aren’t the only person in my life, I have kids that come first.’ A quick text back is not going to hurt you! But then I’ll just get the ‘you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.’ You know what, fuck you for saying that to me. My best friend hasn’t necessarily said that to me, but I know she’s thought it and I’ve heard it before. Talk about hurtful. And that’s the thing, every single last one of my friends has children and I haven’t talked to in months. Its because we no longer have anything in common because my every waking moment is not consumed by a child.
My heart just aches today. The realization that I will be 30 in a week and I will but celebrating with only my husband and no one else. Maybe its best that way. Keep the one that cares the most about me closest and who cares about anyone else?
I turn 30 in exactly a week. May 15. Its really depressing. Not only because i'm not a mother but because i dont have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but if i'm being honest they are more like acquaintances. The last time I talked to my best friend was when she told me she was pregnant with #5. She’s now half way through that pregnancy. I’ve tried texting her asking how things are going and it goes unanswered. And the last time I was like ‘why don’t you ever text me back?’ I was told ‘you aren’t the only person in my life, I have kids that come first.’ A quick text back is not going to hurt you! But then I’ll just get the ‘you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.’ You know what, fuck you for saying that to me. My best friend hasn’t necessarily said that to me, but I know she’s thought it and I’ve heard it before. Talk about hurtful. And that’s the thing, every single last one of my friends has children and I haven’t talked to in months. Its because we no longer have anything in common because my every waking moment is not consumed by a child.
My heart just aches today. The realization that I will be 30 in a week and I will but celebrating with only my husband and no one else. Maybe its best that way. Keep the one that cares the most about me closest and who cares about anyone else?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Cycle #7
I cant be too upset we've moved onto another cycle...i mean we were technically on a break, right? Right. So, welcome to Cycle #7. I just wish i knew what my body was doing. I'm under the impression i'm finally back to a "normal" routine. I went from having a 37 day cycle to a 30 day cycle. Freaking crazy. This confirms i actually did ovulate on CD16 because its been 2 weeks since then, and here is my period. As long as this keeps up, when we DO start trying again, with purpose, we should be successful. It was so cute, Chris told me he was proud of me for doing it all on my own.
I started using the site Fertility Friend in November 2011. I need to write this out just so i can see it myself.
Cycle #1 - August 23 - September 29 = 38 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #2 - September 30 - November 3 = 35 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #3 - November 4 - December 9 = 36 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #4 - December 10 - January 13 = 35 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #5 - January 14 - Feburary 19 = 37 days (Ovulation CD21)
Cycle #6 - February 20 - March 20 = 30 days (Ovulation CD16)
Cycle #7 - March 21 - April 28 = 39 days (!!WTF!!) (Ovulation ??)
So clearly my body didnt really like the Clomid. However i feel like its what my body needed to regulate itself again. And now it seems to be back on track. I guess we'll see what ends up happening this cycle. Hopefully when we officially do start trying again, hardcore, my body will be ready and we'll get it on the first try.
Aside from that things are slowly progessing with out house buying process. I swear one day we are all excited about it and confident things will work themselves out and then the next day something new comes up and we feel like we'll have to walk away. Its extremely stressful. We are currently waiting on the city to assign our lot an address so the company can start building and we can get an FHA loan open. Basically we are at the mercy of the city's area plan commission. We have our pre construction meeting planned for Saturday and thats when we are supposed to give our downpayment, but again, we cant really do that until we know what our rate will be, and we cant get a rate until we have an address. It is the most annoying thing i have ever been though. I try to think about the end results but its so hard to do when we are just waiting. The PMI goes up April 1st, so we are really under the gun! The mortgage rate could go up from 3.75 to 4.0 at any moment, and of course we want the lower rate!
I started using the site Fertility Friend in November 2011. I need to write this out just so i can see it myself.
Cycle #1 - August 23 - September 29 = 38 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #2 - September 30 - November 3 = 35 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #3 - November 4 - December 9 = 36 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #4 - December 10 - January 13 = 35 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #5 - January 14 - Feburary 19 = 37 days (Ovulation CD21)
Cycle #6 - February 20 - March 20 = 30 days (Ovulation CD16)
Cycle #7 - March 21 - April 28 = 39 days (!!WTF!!) (Ovulation ??)
So clearly my body didnt really like the Clomid. However i feel like its what my body needed to regulate itself again. And now it seems to be back on track. I guess we'll see what ends up happening this cycle. Hopefully when we officially do start trying again, hardcore, my body will be ready and we'll get it on the first try.
Aside from that things are slowly progessing with out house buying process. I swear one day we are all excited about it and confident things will work themselves out and then the next day something new comes up and we feel like we'll have to walk away. Its extremely stressful. We are currently waiting on the city to assign our lot an address so the company can start building and we can get an FHA loan open. Basically we are at the mercy of the city's area plan commission. We have our pre construction meeting planned for Saturday and thats when we are supposed to give our downpayment, but again, we cant really do that until we know what our rate will be, and we cant get a rate until we have an address. It is the most annoying thing i have ever been though. I try to think about the end results but its so hard to do when we are just waiting. The PMI goes up April 1st, so we are really under the gun! The mortgage rate could go up from 3.75 to 4.0 at any moment, and of course we want the lower rate!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Cycle #6
Well i started cycle #6 on my own. Yay me...or something like that.
We decided to take a break for a couple/few months. No more opks, no more temping, no more checking my CM, no more herbal supplements, no more doctor visits, no more timed intercourse. We were just going to enjoy being us again. We had planned to do our best to avoid making love around the time that i usually ovulate. Which is typically CD20ish.
On Monday i had noticed a bit of EWCM, so i was like, huh? Its only CD15, thats weird. When i got home from work i decided to take an opk just to see if my body was telling me something. So imagine my surprise when this is the result....
Yeah thats positive. Since when do i get a positive opk on CD15?! In the 5 cycles before i tested from CD10-30ish and each cycle i didnt get a positive until at least CD20. I was pretty surprised. I was a little shocked too. And then a little nervous, because we had had sex recently. I texted Chris to let him know and told him how its actually a good thing i'm ovulating sooner rather then later. That sooner means a better egg quality. His response was that he liked the sound of that. And we decided it would be ok if we made love again that night. Yes, i know, we had decided we werent going to try. But we did!
So yesterday was CD16 and i took another opk when i got home from work. Here is the result...
Crazy positive, right? Again i let Chris know and we discussed what to do. Ultimately we decided to not have sex again for a couple days. Here is why...
We recently have started the process of purchasing and building our own home. We are first time home buyers so we are learning what a headache the entire thing is. The company who is building our house is wonderful. We could not be more pleased. We have already picked our homesite, and picked all details, from the shingles to the door knobs. All we are waiting on is the mortgage company and getting a couple more questions answered. We meet with the mortgage company on Monday. Possibly sign papers there. Then wait to hear back from Nathan, our consultant, and then schedule our pre construction meeting, give our down payment and break ground! With all that being said building a house is expensive! Wait...I take that back...getting a mortgage is expensive! We werent aware of all the fees and all the balogna we would have shoved in our faces.
All of this has happened since Sunday, March 4th. Planned our house on Sunday, got a positive opk on Monday, found out about the vultures at the mortgage company and got a super positive opk and Tuesday. So we went from being alright with going ahead and trying this month anyway and then the next day being like, umm, maybe we should wait to see what happens with this house thing. At this point we cant really afford to have a baby and a new house at the same time. I have this feeling that i'll end up being pregnant this month, only because it wouldnt be the best timing.
If i am, we would be excited and happy, because we have a lot of support so we could do it, it just wouldnt be ideal. Thats usually how it happens, right? Life is so cruel and surprising.
We shall see how this turns out in a couple weeks or so. Stay tuned!
We decided to take a break for a couple/few months. No more opks, no more temping, no more checking my CM, no more herbal supplements, no more doctor visits, no more timed intercourse. We were just going to enjoy being us again. We had planned to do our best to avoid making love around the time that i usually ovulate. Which is typically CD20ish.
On Monday i had noticed a bit of EWCM, so i was like, huh? Its only CD15, thats weird. When i got home from work i decided to take an opk just to see if my body was telling me something. So imagine my surprise when this is the result....
Yeah thats positive. Since when do i get a positive opk on CD15?! In the 5 cycles before i tested from CD10-30ish and each cycle i didnt get a positive until at least CD20. I was pretty surprised. I was a little shocked too. And then a little nervous, because we had had sex recently. I texted Chris to let him know and told him how its actually a good thing i'm ovulating sooner rather then later. That sooner means a better egg quality. His response was that he liked the sound of that. And we decided it would be ok if we made love again that night. Yes, i know, we had decided we werent going to try. But we did!
So yesterday was CD16 and i took another opk when i got home from work. Here is the result...
Crazy positive, right? Again i let Chris know and we discussed what to do. Ultimately we decided to not have sex again for a couple days. Here is why...
We recently have started the process of purchasing and building our own home. We are first time home buyers so we are learning what a headache the entire thing is. The company who is building our house is wonderful. We could not be more pleased. We have already picked our homesite, and picked all details, from the shingles to the door knobs. All we are waiting on is the mortgage company and getting a couple more questions answered. We meet with the mortgage company on Monday. Possibly sign papers there. Then wait to hear back from Nathan, our consultant, and then schedule our pre construction meeting, give our down payment and break ground! With all that being said building a house is expensive! Wait...I take that back...getting a mortgage is expensive! We werent aware of all the fees and all the balogna we would have shoved in our faces.
All of this has happened since Sunday, March 4th. Planned our house on Sunday, got a positive opk on Monday, found out about the vultures at the mortgage company and got a super positive opk and Tuesday. So we went from being alright with going ahead and trying this month anyway and then the next day being like, umm, maybe we should wait to see what happens with this house thing. At this point we cant really afford to have a baby and a new house at the same time. I have this feeling that i'll end up being pregnant this month, only because it wouldnt be the best timing.
If i am, we would be excited and happy, because we have a lot of support so we could do it, it just wouldnt be ideal. Thats usually how it happens, right? Life is so cruel and surprising.
We shall see how this turns out in a couple weeks or so. Stay tuned!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Cycle #5
Well my last update was full of happiness, huh? I'm glad that i'm in a better place with everything at this time. I had a long talk with my sister about it (via text messages...but sometimes i say more that way then i would if i were talking voice to voice, anyone else?) and i feel better knowing she understand where i'm coming from. I am even more thankful i have such a wonderful and supportive husband. I know i said he hadnt asked me how i was feeling but, again, i just had to explain it and he understands now that i need that from him especially. I really dont know how to express how thankful i am that this miscarriage has brought us closer as opposed to tearing us apart like i can. It is sad that something so tragic had to happen to bring us closer but i'm trying to look at the bright side of things here!
With all that said, we are now currently in cycle number 5 of our journey to become parents. The last time i updated was in December. Obviously that cycle didnt work. It was also our last cycle with clomid or any medical help. My ob/gyn told me if this 150mg of clomid didnt work for us she was going to refer me to a specialist. Can you imagine the pressure I felt with that "diagnosis?" Chris and I are not prepared financially to see a specialist on a regular basis. My insurance charges $60 per visit for a specialist, not to mention any ultrasounds/procedures/tests they would need to run just to find out whats going on. So basically if that last cycle of clomid didnt work, our journey was over. It was a pretty big blow to the hope we had of becoming parents.
I was pretty nervous when it was test time, even though i already knew i wasnt pregnant, you always have that sliver of hope. So i wasnt really shocked when the tests were BFNs. That cycle ended up being a 35 day cycle. But i am pleased i was again able to start this cycle on my own. Since i started taking clomid 4 cycles ago, i have started each cycle on my own. Which is big considering before that nothing was happening.
So cycle #5 began on January 14th, which makes today CD7. You better believe i am anxious to see how this unmedicated cycle plays out. Will i ovulate on my own? If we arent pregnant will i start Cycle #6 on my own? What will we do if I dont ovulate or dont start another cycle on my own?
I have been doing some research on herbal supplements to help our fertility issues along. If the doctor no longer wants to help us, then i've got to take my fertility into my own hands. Some women swear by them, and some havent had much help with them. I've discussed it with Chris and we've both started taking a supplement. Maca root is good for both sexes, and helps with libido, his semen and my uterus. I also take red raspberry leaf tea capsules to help with the same things. After i ovulate i will stop taking the Maca, and only take the raspberry leaf tea. I will also eat one pineapple core the 5 days after ovulation, which is supposed to help with implantation.
Here's hoping this combination works for us!
With all that said, we are now currently in cycle number 5 of our journey to become parents. The last time i updated was in December. Obviously that cycle didnt work. It was also our last cycle with clomid or any medical help. My ob/gyn told me if this 150mg of clomid didnt work for us she was going to refer me to a specialist. Can you imagine the pressure I felt with that "diagnosis?" Chris and I are not prepared financially to see a specialist on a regular basis. My insurance charges $60 per visit for a specialist, not to mention any ultrasounds/procedures/tests they would need to run just to find out whats going on. So basically if that last cycle of clomid didnt work, our journey was over. It was a pretty big blow to the hope we had of becoming parents.
I was pretty nervous when it was test time, even though i already knew i wasnt pregnant, you always have that sliver of hope. So i wasnt really shocked when the tests were BFNs. That cycle ended up being a 35 day cycle. But i am pleased i was again able to start this cycle on my own. Since i started taking clomid 4 cycles ago, i have started each cycle on my own. Which is big considering before that nothing was happening.
So cycle #5 began on January 14th, which makes today CD7. You better believe i am anxious to see how this unmedicated cycle plays out. Will i ovulate on my own? If we arent pregnant will i start Cycle #6 on my own? What will we do if I dont ovulate or dont start another cycle on my own?
I have been doing some research on herbal supplements to help our fertility issues along. If the doctor no longer wants to help us, then i've got to take my fertility into my own hands. Some women swear by them, and some havent had much help with them. I've discussed it with Chris and we've both started taking a supplement. Maca root is good for both sexes, and helps with libido, his semen and my uterus. I also take red raspberry leaf tea capsules to help with the same things. After i ovulate i will stop taking the Maca, and only take the raspberry leaf tea. I will also eat one pineapple core the 5 days after ovulation, which is supposed to help with implantation.
Here's hoping this combination works for us!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I'm Not Ok
I'm not ok.
Yes its been a year. But that doesnt mean i'm over it. It doesnt mean i didnt/dont need support. Especially when you feel like you didnt really have any support to begin with.
It seems no one realizes or understands i need help. No one wants to talk about it. How do you think i feel? No one has asked me how i'm doing. Not even my husband. Who was there. Who lost exactly what i lost. But its no big deal. Its been a year. I should have moved on by now right?
Its such a shock when i "suddenly" reach my breaking point and give up and shut down. No one seems to know whats going on. I just dont get it. I dont know what else to say or do or how to ask for help or support from anyone without being criticized or judged on how i still feel. Whats the point in asking and asking and asking?
I get it, no one knows what to say. But saying nothing at all is like saying it doesnt matter and i cant express how painful that is for me.
Being told, "If it doesnt work this cycle you'll be refered to another doctor." is a hard pill to swallow. We arent prepared to see another doctor. A specialist. That is not in the have-a-baby-fun. So thats it. I really dont even want to go pick up this months prescription for Clomid. Ive already decided its not going to work, so why waste that money? Why keep tortouring myself with the "maybe this month!"
I'm waving my white flag. I give up. We had our chance and it was taken. I need to move on, remember what i had for a short time and be happy with that. Who cares if E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E else around you is getting pregnant (i realize this seems like an exaggeration but i assure you its not). Including your sister in law who has one fallopion tube and who wasnt even trying to get pregnant.
I'm just.....done.
Yes its been a year. But that doesnt mean i'm over it. It doesnt mean i didnt/dont need support. Especially when you feel like you didnt really have any support to begin with.
It seems no one realizes or understands i need help. No one wants to talk about it. How do you think i feel? No one has asked me how i'm doing. Not even my husband. Who was there. Who lost exactly what i lost. But its no big deal. Its been a year. I should have moved on by now right?
Its such a shock when i "suddenly" reach my breaking point and give up and shut down. No one seems to know whats going on. I just dont get it. I dont know what else to say or do or how to ask for help or support from anyone without being criticized or judged on how i still feel. Whats the point in asking and asking and asking?
I get it, no one knows what to say. But saying nothing at all is like saying it doesnt matter and i cant express how painful that is for me.
Being told, "If it doesnt work this cycle you'll be refered to another doctor." is a hard pill to swallow. We arent prepared to see another doctor. A specialist. That is not in the have-a-baby-fun. So thats it. I really dont even want to go pick up this months prescription for Clomid. Ive already decided its not going to work, so why waste that money? Why keep tortouring myself with the "maybe this month!"
I'm waving my white flag. I give up. We had our chance and it was taken. I need to move on, remember what i had for a short time and be happy with that. Who cares if E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E else around you is getting pregnant (i realize this seems like an exaggeration but i assure you its not). Including your sister in law who has one fallopion tube and who wasnt even trying to get pregnant.
I'm just.....done.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Ovulation Detected!
Yaaaaaaaaay!!!! Ovulation has been detected! I do ovulate! Now those temps just have to stay high! I'm only worried that we havent had sex since ovulation. But sometimes it can be too late at that point. And since we timed it pretty well on ovulation day and a couple days before i think we should be ok.
Also, i've been having a lot of lower back pain, like i usually would if AF was going to be coming. So i'm trying to stay positive. But i'm so afraid to be too confident. GAH! So welcome to 3 (dpo) days past ovulation.
Testing for pregnancy is about a week and a half. FINGERS CROSSED PLEASE!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
One Year Ago Today
What a difference a year can make. Its pretty surreal. I can remember exactly what Chris and I were doing a year ago like I was watching a movie. I guess that’s sort of what it feels like at this point. We had put off grocery shopping on our usual Sunday for whatever reason so after work we had dinner and then went to the grocery. Before we had went I had realized that day my period was due. Mentioned it to Chris so he suggested we get a pregnancy test while at the store. I got so excited. The weeks leading up to that day I thought and thought about whether or not I was pregnant. This was before I knew what sort of signs I could have noticed. I was so naive. I had some! I was super tired, had cramps, gas, bloating and had break through heartburn. I take a prescription for GERD so I usually don’t have it. Anyway up until the 22nd I thought about it every day. But that day I hadn’t. So we grocery shop, buy a pregnancy test and go home. I didn’t have to pee yet so we had to wait until I did. Again, I had forgotten we had bought it. Chris and I were playing a seek-and-find game on the computer together and I announced I had to pee just being silly, and Chris reminded me to take the test! I was so nervous! Here goes nothing! I peed on that stick and we waited the time the instructions told us to. Went back in three minutes later to see not one but TWO lines!!! I was pregnant! Our first month of “not trying not preventing” and BAM it worked!! We were going to be PARENTS and our lives would change forever. In an instant everything changed. When I handed the test to Chris to see for himself, he didn’t believe it was actually positive. “One line is lighter then the other, that’s not positive.” he said. I replied “Yes it is!! A line is a line!! Look!!” I shoved the instructions in his face so he could read it and look at the pictures. Its safe to say we were both shocked but completely happy at the same time.
As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I swear I could “feel” it. It was a strange feeling in my lower abdomen. But knowing what was going on, it was wonderful! We went back to playing our computer game but that didn’t last long. Apparently it really turned Chris on so we had to celebrate. It was so sweet and romantic. I remember feeling cramps after we made love, like our child was telling me it was there. It was an amazing night. Something I’ll never forget. Something I crave to experience again. I ache to see two lines again on a pregnancy test.
The saddest/worst possible day of my entire life occurred just 19 days later. It was the day after my work’s Christmas party. We got home late from the party; I had some slight cramping, but it was pretty normal since finding out I was expecting. I went to the bathroom and noticed the slightest twinge of very light brown, barely even noticeable really, on the toilet paper when I used the bathroom before going to bed. I didn’t even say anything to Chris about it and just pushed it to the back of my mind. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. I pushed it out of my mind and went to sleep still so happy to be pregnant!
The next day, my life changed forever…again. I started having constant cramps. I knew something was up. I asked friends, my sister, everyone said it was normal. Not to worry. Everything was fine. I felt like no one was really listening to me. There was a bit more when I used the bathroom on the toilet paper but I tried so hard to ignore it. I told Chris about it. We agreed I would keep an eye on it. I went about with the plans to go shopping with a friend. I didn’t have a good time, all I could do was worry. We got into a very minor fender bender (we were barely going 20 if even that fast when the guy rear ended me) while going from one store to the next. The shock of the impact made my adrenaline kick in which made my cramps worse. I texted Chris at work to tell him we had been in a wreck. We went to the next store but decided I should go home after that to check the spotting. If it was worse I would go to the hospital. Chris left work and met me at home. I went to the bathroom and called Chris in with me (my friend came back with me) and I started crying. I was now fully bleeding. We decided to go to the emergency room. They got me back right away. Once I was in a room I cried. I spent most of the time we were at the hospital crying. The doctor was really nice and understanding (his wife had had a miscarriage) and the nurse was also nice (she had also had one). I had absolutely no idea how common they were. I hadn’t known anyone who had had one. I gave the urine sample, vials of blood and had an ultrasound. I was diagnosed with a threatened abortion. Seriously they need to rethink the naming of that. Blah. I was given pain medicine and anti nausea medicine, although I wasn’t nauseous. Word had gotten back to my parents we were at the hospital so as I was getting dressed to leave my parents show up. So I cried some more. We didn’t want anyone to worry. They thought I was hurt from the wreck I was in, so having to tell them we were losing our baby hurt so much. Seeing their shock and sadness broke my heart all over again. My mom cried with me.
After leaving the hospital I had to call the rest of the family, his parents, my brother and sisters to tell them what was going on. By then it was pretty late, close to midnight. So we went to a 24 hr CVS to fill my prescriptions. While waiting for it to be filled I felt the pregnancy pass. I was thankful Chris told me to put a panty liner in. Why he was the one to tell me to do that and I wasn’t smart enough to do it myself I cant tell you…I swear the cramps were mini contractions. And they were very painful. The lortabs didn’t really do much, and I was prescribed to take two per dose.
Thankfully this all happened on a weekend so I had a day I could rest and recover. I went to work that Monday though. I decided to tell my direct boss and word got around to the GM and she made me go home. I didn’t want to go home. I was distracted at work from thinking about it and being upset. But I went anyway. I don’t remember if Chris was there or if he was at work. The details get hazy at this point in my story. But I know for sure I went home and cried more.
We never knew how badly we wanted a child together until it happened and until it was gone. I long to see two lines again on a pregnancy test. Some day i will again. Right?
As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I swear I could “feel” it. It was a strange feeling in my lower abdomen. But knowing what was going on, it was wonderful! We went back to playing our computer game but that didn’t last long. Apparently it really turned Chris on so we had to celebrate. It was so sweet and romantic. I remember feeling cramps after we made love, like our child was telling me it was there. It was an amazing night. Something I’ll never forget. Something I crave to experience again. I ache to see two lines again on a pregnancy test.
The saddest/worst possible day of my entire life occurred just 19 days later. It was the day after my work’s Christmas party. We got home late from the party; I had some slight cramping, but it was pretty normal since finding out I was expecting. I went to the bathroom and noticed the slightest twinge of very light brown, barely even noticeable really, on the toilet paper when I used the bathroom before going to bed. I didn’t even say anything to Chris about it and just pushed it to the back of my mind. I was tired and just wanted to sleep. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. I pushed it out of my mind and went to sleep still so happy to be pregnant!
The next day, my life changed forever…again. I started having constant cramps. I knew something was up. I asked friends, my sister, everyone said it was normal. Not to worry. Everything was fine. I felt like no one was really listening to me. There was a bit more when I used the bathroom on the toilet paper but I tried so hard to ignore it. I told Chris about it. We agreed I would keep an eye on it. I went about with the plans to go shopping with a friend. I didn’t have a good time, all I could do was worry. We got into a very minor fender bender (we were barely going 20 if even that fast when the guy rear ended me) while going from one store to the next. The shock of the impact made my adrenaline kick in which made my cramps worse. I texted Chris at work to tell him we had been in a wreck. We went to the next store but decided I should go home after that to check the spotting. If it was worse I would go to the hospital. Chris left work and met me at home. I went to the bathroom and called Chris in with me (my friend came back with me) and I started crying. I was now fully bleeding. We decided to go to the emergency room. They got me back right away. Once I was in a room I cried. I spent most of the time we were at the hospital crying. The doctor was really nice and understanding (his wife had had a miscarriage) and the nurse was also nice (she had also had one). I had absolutely no idea how common they were. I hadn’t known anyone who had had one. I gave the urine sample, vials of blood and had an ultrasound. I was diagnosed with a threatened abortion. Seriously they need to rethink the naming of that. Blah. I was given pain medicine and anti nausea medicine, although I wasn’t nauseous. Word had gotten back to my parents we were at the hospital so as I was getting dressed to leave my parents show up. So I cried some more. We didn’t want anyone to worry. They thought I was hurt from the wreck I was in, so having to tell them we were losing our baby hurt so much. Seeing their shock and sadness broke my heart all over again. My mom cried with me.
After leaving the hospital I had to call the rest of the family, his parents, my brother and sisters to tell them what was going on. By then it was pretty late, close to midnight. So we went to a 24 hr CVS to fill my prescriptions. While waiting for it to be filled I felt the pregnancy pass. I was thankful Chris told me to put a panty liner in. Why he was the one to tell me to do that and I wasn’t smart enough to do it myself I cant tell you…I swear the cramps were mini contractions. And they were very painful. The lortabs didn’t really do much, and I was prescribed to take two per dose.
Thankfully this all happened on a weekend so I had a day I could rest and recover. I went to work that Monday though. I decided to tell my direct boss and word got around to the GM and she made me go home. I didn’t want to go home. I was distracted at work from thinking about it and being upset. But I went anyway. I don’t remember if Chris was there or if he was at work. The details get hazy at this point in my story. But I know for sure I went home and cried more.
We never knew how badly we wanted a child together until it happened and until it was gone. I long to see two lines again on a pregnancy test. Some day i will again. Right?
Monday, November 7, 2011
Cycle #3...
I never expected to have to TRY to have a baby. All those years i prevented with birth control pills seem like such a waste now. I sometimes wonder if taking those pills all those years has affected my fertility. It seems to be a trend in the TTC world. So many of us spent years preventing and when we're ready its just not happening. Like my body go used to not doing what it was supposed to because i spent so much time making sure it didnt. Apparently studies have proven that to be wrong though. Oh well, i feel like i'm grasping.
Welcome to CD4.
I'm trying really hard to keep positive. We are on cycle number 3 of trying with the help of clomid (50 mg). Some people try for YEARS. I cant imagine having to try that long and still be unsuccessful. Things seem to be getting better with each cycle. Two cycles in a row that have started on their own, which is really good. The first cycle i ovulated petty late, the second cycle i ovulated a little sooner so i'm hoping even sooner with cycle #3.
I called my OB/GYN this morning to let them know i've started another cycle and to see about upping my dose of clomid from 50 mg to 100 mg. My doctor was in surgery so the nurse said she would check with her, but that they will probably up the dose, she just has to confirm with the doctor before calling the script in. So i'm just waiting with anticipation for the call back...weird i know. Its not like i can change it. The regimine i'm on i have to take the clomid on CD 5-9, so i hope they realize i need to have that filled by tomorrow. I told the nurse when i started and such so hopefully she realized. If i havent heard by like 3:30 i think i'll call again.
Welcome to CD4.
I'm trying really hard to keep positive. We are on cycle number 3 of trying with the help of clomid (50 mg). Some people try for YEARS. I cant imagine having to try that long and still be unsuccessful. Things seem to be getting better with each cycle. Two cycles in a row that have started on their own, which is really good. The first cycle i ovulated petty late, the second cycle i ovulated a little sooner so i'm hoping even sooner with cycle #3.
I called my OB/GYN this morning to let them know i've started another cycle and to see about upping my dose of clomid from 50 mg to 100 mg. My doctor was in surgery so the nurse said she would check with her, but that they will probably up the dose, she just has to confirm with the doctor before calling the script in. So i'm just waiting with anticipation for the call back...weird i know. Its not like i can change it. The regimine i'm on i have to take the clomid on CD 5-9, so i hope they realize i need to have that filled by tomorrow. I told the nurse when i started and such so hopefully she realized. If i havent heard by like 3:30 i think i'll call again.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Second Two Week Wait!
We are well into Cycle 2 (with Clomid) of our TTC journey. Today is CD 21 and also 1DPO! Now, this is early if i were comparing things to last cycle, 5 days early to be exact. But the good thing is, i was monitoring with OPKs and was able to catch and earlier ovulation and take the appropriate action! wink, wink! This cycle has been different in a lot of ways compared to last cycle.
Where do i begin with the differences?...
First of all, as you may already know for my last blog entry, i started the second cycle on my own. This was huge because thats the first self started cycle i've had since the miscarriage in December 2010.
Secondly, i had a teeeeeerrible headache/border line migraine for 4 days straight. And i'm not exaggerating here. It was awful! The only thing that helped was Midol which tells me it was defiantly hormone related. I held off as long as i could without taking anything, but i just couldnt function. I missed a day of work because it.
Third, i ovulated earlier this cycle. Cycle 1 i ovulated on CD24 of what ended up being a 38 day cycle. This cycle i ovualted on CD19, which if calculations are correct that would mean this cycle should last 33 days. We shall see.
Other things i've noticed this cycle that were different were my cervial position and cervical mucus. My cervix was noticably higher around ovulation and i absolutely had more CM. Those are all good indications of ovulation. I noticed these things about Sunday and thought they were strange because i wasnt expecting to ovulate for another week or so. But i had been taking an OPK every day since CD 10 so if it was going to happen early i would see it. Sure enough on Tuesday i got a positive OPK.
We had baby danced the night before so i was confident with that. I'm not sure why we didnt that night, but oh well. And then yesterday's OPK was even darker, and we BDed then too.
So i'm feeling confident this cycle. But cautiously confident.
Perhaps the first cycle was just to introduce the clomid to my system. And cycle 2 was like, ok, we can work with that and my body is doing what its supposed to this cycle. I dont know, i'm really just trying to keep myself from over thinking things like i did last cycle. But it looks like thats not working.
So, welcome to my second two week wait!
Where do i begin with the differences?...
First of all, as you may already know for my last blog entry, i started the second cycle on my own. This was huge because thats the first self started cycle i've had since the miscarriage in December 2010.
Secondly, i had a teeeeeerrible headache/border line migraine for 4 days straight. And i'm not exaggerating here. It was awful! The only thing that helped was Midol which tells me it was defiantly hormone related. I held off as long as i could without taking anything, but i just couldnt function. I missed a day of work because it.
Third, i ovulated earlier this cycle. Cycle 1 i ovulated on CD24 of what ended up being a 38 day cycle. This cycle i ovualted on CD19, which if calculations are correct that would mean this cycle should last 33 days. We shall see.
Other things i've noticed this cycle that were different were my cervial position and cervical mucus. My cervix was noticably higher around ovulation and i absolutely had more CM. Those are all good indications of ovulation. I noticed these things about Sunday and thought they were strange because i wasnt expecting to ovulate for another week or so. But i had been taking an OPK every day since CD 10 so if it was going to happen early i would see it. Sure enough on Tuesday i got a positive OPK.
We had baby danced the night before so i was confident with that. I'm not sure why we didnt that night, but oh well. And then yesterday's OPK was even darker, and we BDed then too.
So i'm feeling confident this cycle. But cautiously confident.
Perhaps the first cycle was just to introduce the clomid to my system. And cycle 2 was like, ok, we can work with that and my body is doing what its supposed to this cycle. I dont know, i'm really just trying to keep myself from over thinking things like i did last cycle. But it looks like thats not working.
So, welcome to my second two week wait!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Back to the beginning. Cycle #2
We are back to the beginning. That means today is cycle day 2. Thats right, AF has arrived. In all honesty, i'm excited about it. I'm super happy i was able to start a new cycle on my own. I havent done that since the miscarriage in December. As happy as i am for this i am equally sad. Not only does this mean i am not pregnant this month, but these cramps are killing me. I didnt normally have terrible cramps, i had cramps, yeah, but nothing like these. I feel weird about it too because these cramps remind me of my miscarriage. Not quite as painful and "contraction like" but still pretty painful. I had a terrible headache for 2 days. I even left work early yesterday to deal with it. And i've been having cramps for the last three days. I have also been having hot flashes pretty frequently. I knew what was coming, as much as i wanted to deny it and tell myself they were actually pregnancy cramps and symptoms.
I'm trying to stay positive about it though and just telling myself that my body is preparing for next month and to house a future baby. All of this is worth it. Here's to next month!
I'm trying to stay positive about it though and just telling myself that my body is preparing for next month and to house a future baby. All of this is worth it. Here's to next month!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
FINALLY!!!
Well hells bells!!
I am SOOOOO excited!!! Just took this upon getting home from work around 5:30.
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
I am SOOOOO excited!!! Just took this upon getting home from work around 5:30.
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
Still Waiting...
Its now currently CD22 and i still have yet to ovulate. Or at least i think. I've been using the OPKs but i am going cross eyed trying to read the results. Here let me post a picture of some them...
As you can see its hard to tell!! And as you can see i think its possible that I could have ovulated on 9/3, but i'm just not positive. If so today would be 10dpo, i took a pregnancy test this morning with FMU and it was a BFN. Which isnt too surprising since the OPKs are fading. I will have to get an updated picture to show you since then. I stopped writing down what time and what date i took them but you can still see the line progression. I do not temp, and i dont think i ever will. I know thats really the only way to totally confirm ovulation but i'm not doing it.
I'm getting frustrated to say the least. And its only our first round of clomid! I watched a video the other day on YouTube from a woman who ovulated on CD 31 and actually conceived so i guess hope isnt lost just yet. And AF isnt here yet so i dont know why i'm panicking, but i am! I want so badly for this to be our cycle and i feel like its not going to be. It just makes me sad.
As you can see its hard to tell!! And as you can see i think its possible that I could have ovulated on 9/3, but i'm just not positive. If so today would be 10dpo, i took a pregnancy test this morning with FMU and it was a BFN. Which isnt too surprising since the OPKs are fading. I will have to get an updated picture to show you since then. I stopped writing down what time and what date i took them but you can still see the line progression. I do not temp, and i dont think i ever will. I know thats really the only way to totally confirm ovulation but i'm not doing it.
I'm getting frustrated to say the least. And its only our first round of clomid! I watched a video the other day on YouTube from a woman who ovulated on CD 31 and actually conceived so i guess hope isnt lost just yet. And AF isnt here yet so i dont know why i'm panicking, but i am! I want so badly for this to be our cycle and i feel like its not going to be. It just makes me sad.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Waiting to Ovulate!
Today is CD 12.
I've taken the prometrium and was able to have a cycle successfully. I had my doubts that it would work this time but i'm glad my doubts were just that...doubts. I'm also glad it wasnt horrendous. It was a normal cycle for me. With minimal cramps and headaches. The only think that sucked about it was that it started the day after our vacation started and our 2 year wedding anniversary. Chris had wanted us to have sex every day of our vacation so those plans had to chance.
I have taken all 5 of the clomid pills. And happily had very little side effects. Only some mild hot flashes and heart palpitations. Thats pretty much it.
Yesterday i took my first OPK and it was closer to positive then any of the previous OPKs i have ever taken, so i'm pretty excited i will ovulate this time! (Note to self: Take picture of OPK to show! :)) My doctor told me to start using the OPKs on CD 10 because some will ovulate a lot sooner then expected and soem will a lot later then expected so to cover all bases start early! Then wait the 2 weeks and take a pregnancy test or until AF is due. So i'm currently just waiting to ovulate. I wouldnt be surprised if i do within the next couple days.
Chris and I arent really planning when to have sex, we'd like to keep this fun and not turn it into a chore. I hate hearing and reading stories about timed intercourse and such. Seems so impersonal and unromantic. We want to have a child but we also want to continue our relationship in a normal fashion and conceive with love and passion. I never want either of us to get to the point where we are having sex because we have to if we want to have a child. I dont want to force him if he's not in the mood just because i'm about to ovulate. I'd love to have sex with my husband every day but some days we're just too tired or what ever. And thats perfectly ok!
I guess we arent at the desperate point yet and i hope we never do!
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