Yep, another month has gone by and i'm not pregnant. Who's surprised? Anyone?? Not me. I am so frustrated that it was a 39 day cycle. What the hell! I went from having a freaking 29 day cycle to a 39 day cycle. What kind of sick joke is my body playing on me?? And WHY?! Why am i not deserving of having a child? Why does the universe think everyone else around me deserves to be parents except Chris and I? What did i do wrong? Each month that goes by and has failed i give up. Chris always brings me back around, but how many more times can i do that? I've got myself more then half convinced we are better off without a child. Even one. We can do what we want when every we want. We both LOVE our sleep and sleep in every single weekend. If i get home from a long day at work and i'm tired, i can take a nap for as long as i want. If we want to go away on a whim one weekend we can do that with no problems. I cannot stand it when people use their kids as an excuse not to go some where so if we did have a kid that wouldnt stop us, but it would just take more planning. And, i'll admit it, i'm lazy!! We are building this wonderful house that wont have to be over run with baby and kid stuff! Chris will have his play room, and then i can have the other bedroom as my play room. Not sure what i'll play with but i'll find something. I've been wanting to get a sewing machine so badly, so it would be a great sewing/craft room!
I turn 30 in exactly a week. May 15. Its really depressing. Not only because i'm not a mother but because i dont have any friends to celebrate with. I mean i have friends but if i'm being honest they are more like acquaintances. The last time I talked to my best friend was when she told me she was pregnant with #5. She’s now half way through that pregnancy. I’ve tried texting her asking how things are going and it goes unanswered. And the last time I was like ‘why don’t you ever text me back?’ I was told ‘you aren’t the only person in my life, I have kids that come first.’ A quick text back is not going to hurt you! But then I’ll just get the ‘you don’t have kids so you don’t understand.’ You know what, fuck you for saying that to me. My best friend hasn’t necessarily said that to me, but I know she’s thought it and I’ve heard it before. Talk about hurtful. And that’s the thing, every single last one of my friends has children and I haven’t talked to in months. Its because we no longer have anything in common because my every waking moment is not consumed by a child.
My heart just aches today. The realization that I will be 30 in a week and I will but celebrating with only my husband and no one else. Maybe its best that way. Keep the one that cares the most about me closest and who cares about anyone else?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Cycle #7
I cant be too upset we've moved onto another cycle...i mean we were technically on a break, right? Right. So, welcome to Cycle #7. I just wish i knew what my body was doing. I'm under the impression i'm finally back to a "normal" routine. I went from having a 37 day cycle to a 30 day cycle. Freaking crazy. This confirms i actually did ovulate on CD16 because its been 2 weeks since then, and here is my period. As long as this keeps up, when we DO start trying again, with purpose, we should be successful. It was so cute, Chris told me he was proud of me for doing it all on my own.
I started using the site Fertility Friend in November 2011. I need to write this out just so i can see it myself.
Cycle #1 - August 23 - September 29 = 38 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #2 - September 30 - November 3 = 35 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #3 - November 4 - December 9 = 36 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #4 - December 10 - January 13 = 35 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #5 - January 14 - Feburary 19 = 37 days (Ovulation CD21)
Cycle #6 - February 20 - March 20 = 30 days (Ovulation CD16)
Cycle #7 - March 21 - April 28 = 39 days (!!WTF!!) (Ovulation ??)
So clearly my body didnt really like the Clomid. However i feel like its what my body needed to regulate itself again. And now it seems to be back on track. I guess we'll see what ends up happening this cycle. Hopefully when we officially do start trying again, hardcore, my body will be ready and we'll get it on the first try.
Aside from that things are slowly progessing with out house buying process. I swear one day we are all excited about it and confident things will work themselves out and then the next day something new comes up and we feel like we'll have to walk away. Its extremely stressful. We are currently waiting on the city to assign our lot an address so the company can start building and we can get an FHA loan open. Basically we are at the mercy of the city's area plan commission. We have our pre construction meeting planned for Saturday and thats when we are supposed to give our downpayment, but again, we cant really do that until we know what our rate will be, and we cant get a rate until we have an address. It is the most annoying thing i have ever been though. I try to think about the end results but its so hard to do when we are just waiting. The PMI goes up April 1st, so we are really under the gun! The mortgage rate could go up from 3.75 to 4.0 at any moment, and of course we want the lower rate!
I started using the site Fertility Friend in November 2011. I need to write this out just so i can see it myself.
Cycle #1 - August 23 - September 29 = 38 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #2 - September 30 - November 3 = 35 days (Ovulation ??)(Clomid)
Cycle #3 - November 4 - December 9 = 36 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #4 - December 10 - January 13 = 35 days (Ovulation CD20)(Clomid)
Cycle #5 - January 14 - Feburary 19 = 37 days (Ovulation CD21)
Cycle #6 - February 20 - March 20 = 30 days (Ovulation CD16)
Cycle #7 - March 21 - April 28 = 39 days (!!WTF!!) (Ovulation ??)
So clearly my body didnt really like the Clomid. However i feel like its what my body needed to regulate itself again. And now it seems to be back on track. I guess we'll see what ends up happening this cycle. Hopefully when we officially do start trying again, hardcore, my body will be ready and we'll get it on the first try.
Aside from that things are slowly progessing with out house buying process. I swear one day we are all excited about it and confident things will work themselves out and then the next day something new comes up and we feel like we'll have to walk away. Its extremely stressful. We are currently waiting on the city to assign our lot an address so the company can start building and we can get an FHA loan open. Basically we are at the mercy of the city's area plan commission. We have our pre construction meeting planned for Saturday and thats when we are supposed to give our downpayment, but again, we cant really do that until we know what our rate will be, and we cant get a rate until we have an address. It is the most annoying thing i have ever been though. I try to think about the end results but its so hard to do when we are just waiting. The PMI goes up April 1st, so we are really under the gun! The mortgage rate could go up from 3.75 to 4.0 at any moment, and of course we want the lower rate!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Cycle #6
Well i started cycle #6 on my own. Yay me...or something like that.
We decided to take a break for a couple/few months. No more opks, no more temping, no more checking my CM, no more herbal supplements, no more doctor visits, no more timed intercourse. We were just going to enjoy being us again. We had planned to do our best to avoid making love around the time that i usually ovulate. Which is typically CD20ish.
On Monday i had noticed a bit of EWCM, so i was like, huh? Its only CD15, thats weird. When i got home from work i decided to take an opk just to see if my body was telling me something. So imagine my surprise when this is the result....
Yeah thats positive. Since when do i get a positive opk on CD15?! In the 5 cycles before i tested from CD10-30ish and each cycle i didnt get a positive until at least CD20. I was pretty surprised. I was a little shocked too. And then a little nervous, because we had had sex recently. I texted Chris to let him know and told him how its actually a good thing i'm ovulating sooner rather then later. That sooner means a better egg quality. His response was that he liked the sound of that. And we decided it would be ok if we made love again that night. Yes, i know, we had decided we werent going to try. But we did!
So yesterday was CD16 and i took another opk when i got home from work. Here is the result...
Crazy positive, right? Again i let Chris know and we discussed what to do. Ultimately we decided to not have sex again for a couple days. Here is why...
We recently have started the process of purchasing and building our own home. We are first time home buyers so we are learning what a headache the entire thing is. The company who is building our house is wonderful. We could not be more pleased. We have already picked our homesite, and picked all details, from the shingles to the door knobs. All we are waiting on is the mortgage company and getting a couple more questions answered. We meet with the mortgage company on Monday. Possibly sign papers there. Then wait to hear back from Nathan, our consultant, and then schedule our pre construction meeting, give our down payment and break ground! With all that being said building a house is expensive! Wait...I take that back...getting a mortgage is expensive! We werent aware of all the fees and all the balogna we would have shoved in our faces.
All of this has happened since Sunday, March 4th. Planned our house on Sunday, got a positive opk on Monday, found out about the vultures at the mortgage company and got a super positive opk and Tuesday. So we went from being alright with going ahead and trying this month anyway and then the next day being like, umm, maybe we should wait to see what happens with this house thing. At this point we cant really afford to have a baby and a new house at the same time. I have this feeling that i'll end up being pregnant this month, only because it wouldnt be the best timing.
If i am, we would be excited and happy, because we have a lot of support so we could do it, it just wouldnt be ideal. Thats usually how it happens, right? Life is so cruel and surprising.
We shall see how this turns out in a couple weeks or so. Stay tuned!
We decided to take a break for a couple/few months. No more opks, no more temping, no more checking my CM, no more herbal supplements, no more doctor visits, no more timed intercourse. We were just going to enjoy being us again. We had planned to do our best to avoid making love around the time that i usually ovulate. Which is typically CD20ish.
On Monday i had noticed a bit of EWCM, so i was like, huh? Its only CD15, thats weird. When i got home from work i decided to take an opk just to see if my body was telling me something. So imagine my surprise when this is the result....
Yeah thats positive. Since when do i get a positive opk on CD15?! In the 5 cycles before i tested from CD10-30ish and each cycle i didnt get a positive until at least CD20. I was pretty surprised. I was a little shocked too. And then a little nervous, because we had had sex recently. I texted Chris to let him know and told him how its actually a good thing i'm ovulating sooner rather then later. That sooner means a better egg quality. His response was that he liked the sound of that. And we decided it would be ok if we made love again that night. Yes, i know, we had decided we werent going to try. But we did!
So yesterday was CD16 and i took another opk when i got home from work. Here is the result...
Crazy positive, right? Again i let Chris know and we discussed what to do. Ultimately we decided to not have sex again for a couple days. Here is why...
We recently have started the process of purchasing and building our own home. We are first time home buyers so we are learning what a headache the entire thing is. The company who is building our house is wonderful. We could not be more pleased. We have already picked our homesite, and picked all details, from the shingles to the door knobs. All we are waiting on is the mortgage company and getting a couple more questions answered. We meet with the mortgage company on Monday. Possibly sign papers there. Then wait to hear back from Nathan, our consultant, and then schedule our pre construction meeting, give our down payment and break ground! With all that being said building a house is expensive! Wait...I take that back...getting a mortgage is expensive! We werent aware of all the fees and all the balogna we would have shoved in our faces.
All of this has happened since Sunday, March 4th. Planned our house on Sunday, got a positive opk on Monday, found out about the vultures at the mortgage company and got a super positive opk and Tuesday. So we went from being alright with going ahead and trying this month anyway and then the next day being like, umm, maybe we should wait to see what happens with this house thing. At this point we cant really afford to have a baby and a new house at the same time. I have this feeling that i'll end up being pregnant this month, only because it wouldnt be the best timing.
If i am, we would be excited and happy, because we have a lot of support so we could do it, it just wouldnt be ideal. Thats usually how it happens, right? Life is so cruel and surprising.
We shall see how this turns out in a couple weeks or so. Stay tuned!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Cycle #5
Well my last update was full of happiness, huh? I'm glad that i'm in a better place with everything at this time. I had a long talk with my sister about it (via text messages...but sometimes i say more that way then i would if i were talking voice to voice, anyone else?) and i feel better knowing she understand where i'm coming from. I am even more thankful i have such a wonderful and supportive husband. I know i said he hadnt asked me how i was feeling but, again, i just had to explain it and he understands now that i need that from him especially. I really dont know how to express how thankful i am that this miscarriage has brought us closer as opposed to tearing us apart like i can. It is sad that something so tragic had to happen to bring us closer but i'm trying to look at the bright side of things here!
With all that said, we are now currently in cycle number 5 of our journey to become parents. The last time i updated was in December. Obviously that cycle didnt work. It was also our last cycle with clomid or any medical help. My ob/gyn told me if this 150mg of clomid didnt work for us she was going to refer me to a specialist. Can you imagine the pressure I felt with that "diagnosis?" Chris and I are not prepared financially to see a specialist on a regular basis. My insurance charges $60 per visit for a specialist, not to mention any ultrasounds/procedures/tests they would need to run just to find out whats going on. So basically if that last cycle of clomid didnt work, our journey was over. It was a pretty big blow to the hope we had of becoming parents.
I was pretty nervous when it was test time, even though i already knew i wasnt pregnant, you always have that sliver of hope. So i wasnt really shocked when the tests were BFNs. That cycle ended up being a 35 day cycle. But i am pleased i was again able to start this cycle on my own. Since i started taking clomid 4 cycles ago, i have started each cycle on my own. Which is big considering before that nothing was happening.
So cycle #5 began on January 14th, which makes today CD7. You better believe i am anxious to see how this unmedicated cycle plays out. Will i ovulate on my own? If we arent pregnant will i start Cycle #6 on my own? What will we do if I dont ovulate or dont start another cycle on my own?
I have been doing some research on herbal supplements to help our fertility issues along. If the doctor no longer wants to help us, then i've got to take my fertility into my own hands. Some women swear by them, and some havent had much help with them. I've discussed it with Chris and we've both started taking a supplement. Maca root is good for both sexes, and helps with libido, his semen and my uterus. I also take red raspberry leaf tea capsules to help with the same things. After i ovulate i will stop taking the Maca, and only take the raspberry leaf tea. I will also eat one pineapple core the 5 days after ovulation, which is supposed to help with implantation.
Here's hoping this combination works for us!
With all that said, we are now currently in cycle number 5 of our journey to become parents. The last time i updated was in December. Obviously that cycle didnt work. It was also our last cycle with clomid or any medical help. My ob/gyn told me if this 150mg of clomid didnt work for us she was going to refer me to a specialist. Can you imagine the pressure I felt with that "diagnosis?" Chris and I are not prepared financially to see a specialist on a regular basis. My insurance charges $60 per visit for a specialist, not to mention any ultrasounds/procedures/tests they would need to run just to find out whats going on. So basically if that last cycle of clomid didnt work, our journey was over. It was a pretty big blow to the hope we had of becoming parents.
I was pretty nervous when it was test time, even though i already knew i wasnt pregnant, you always have that sliver of hope. So i wasnt really shocked when the tests were BFNs. That cycle ended up being a 35 day cycle. But i am pleased i was again able to start this cycle on my own. Since i started taking clomid 4 cycles ago, i have started each cycle on my own. Which is big considering before that nothing was happening.
So cycle #5 began on January 14th, which makes today CD7. You better believe i am anxious to see how this unmedicated cycle plays out. Will i ovulate on my own? If we arent pregnant will i start Cycle #6 on my own? What will we do if I dont ovulate or dont start another cycle on my own?
I have been doing some research on herbal supplements to help our fertility issues along. If the doctor no longer wants to help us, then i've got to take my fertility into my own hands. Some women swear by them, and some havent had much help with them. I've discussed it with Chris and we've both started taking a supplement. Maca root is good for both sexes, and helps with libido, his semen and my uterus. I also take red raspberry leaf tea capsules to help with the same things. After i ovulate i will stop taking the Maca, and only take the raspberry leaf tea. I will also eat one pineapple core the 5 days after ovulation, which is supposed to help with implantation.
Here's hoping this combination works for us!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I'm Not Ok
I'm not ok.
Yes its been a year. But that doesnt mean i'm over it. It doesnt mean i didnt/dont need support. Especially when you feel like you didnt really have any support to begin with.
It seems no one realizes or understands i need help. No one wants to talk about it. How do you think i feel? No one has asked me how i'm doing. Not even my husband. Who was there. Who lost exactly what i lost. But its no big deal. Its been a year. I should have moved on by now right?
Its such a shock when i "suddenly" reach my breaking point and give up and shut down. No one seems to know whats going on. I just dont get it. I dont know what else to say or do or how to ask for help or support from anyone without being criticized or judged on how i still feel. Whats the point in asking and asking and asking?
I get it, no one knows what to say. But saying nothing at all is like saying it doesnt matter and i cant express how painful that is for me.
Being told, "If it doesnt work this cycle you'll be refered to another doctor." is a hard pill to swallow. We arent prepared to see another doctor. A specialist. That is not in the have-a-baby-fun. So thats it. I really dont even want to go pick up this months prescription for Clomid. Ive already decided its not going to work, so why waste that money? Why keep tortouring myself with the "maybe this month!"
I'm waving my white flag. I give up. We had our chance and it was taken. I need to move on, remember what i had for a short time and be happy with that. Who cares if E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E else around you is getting pregnant (i realize this seems like an exaggeration but i assure you its not). Including your sister in law who has one fallopion tube and who wasnt even trying to get pregnant.
I'm just.....done.
Yes its been a year. But that doesnt mean i'm over it. It doesnt mean i didnt/dont need support. Especially when you feel like you didnt really have any support to begin with.
It seems no one realizes or understands i need help. No one wants to talk about it. How do you think i feel? No one has asked me how i'm doing. Not even my husband. Who was there. Who lost exactly what i lost. But its no big deal. Its been a year. I should have moved on by now right?
Its such a shock when i "suddenly" reach my breaking point and give up and shut down. No one seems to know whats going on. I just dont get it. I dont know what else to say or do or how to ask for help or support from anyone without being criticized or judged on how i still feel. Whats the point in asking and asking and asking?
I get it, no one knows what to say. But saying nothing at all is like saying it doesnt matter and i cant express how painful that is for me.
Being told, "If it doesnt work this cycle you'll be refered to another doctor." is a hard pill to swallow. We arent prepared to see another doctor. A specialist. That is not in the have-a-baby-fun. So thats it. I really dont even want to go pick up this months prescription for Clomid. Ive already decided its not going to work, so why waste that money? Why keep tortouring myself with the "maybe this month!"
I'm waving my white flag. I give up. We had our chance and it was taken. I need to move on, remember what i had for a short time and be happy with that. Who cares if E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E else around you is getting pregnant (i realize this seems like an exaggeration but i assure you its not). Including your sister in law who has one fallopion tube and who wasnt even trying to get pregnant.
I'm just.....done.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Ovulation Detected!
Yaaaaaaaaay!!!! Ovulation has been detected! I do ovulate! Now those temps just have to stay high! I'm only worried that we havent had sex since ovulation. But sometimes it can be too late at that point. And since we timed it pretty well on ovulation day and a couple days before i think we should be ok.
Also, i've been having a lot of lower back pain, like i usually would if AF was going to be coming. So i'm trying to stay positive. But i'm so afraid to be too confident. GAH! So welcome to 3 (dpo) days past ovulation.
Testing for pregnancy is about a week and a half. FINGERS CROSSED PLEASE!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
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